


And The Bible Didn't Mention Us (Not Even Once)

by agirlnamedtruth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angelcest, Angels, Big Bang Challenge, Canon Compliant, Canon Het Relationship, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Community: het_bigbang, F/M, Pre-Canon, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-25
Updated: 2012-08-25
Packaged: 2017-11-12 21:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlnamedtruth/pseuds/agirlnamedtruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes to things they aren’t meant to feel, Anna and Castiel are on the same path, they’re just traveling at different times. <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/492359">Artwork by Patriciatepes</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And The Bible Didn't Mention Us (Not Even Once)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [patriciatepes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/patriciatepes/gifts).



> I'd like to majorly thank [xthursdaynextx](http://xthursdaynextx.livejournal.com/) for stepping in at the last minute to beta this fic, even though she was completely unfamiliar with the fandom. Written for [Het Big Bang](http://het-bigbang.livejournal.com). My artist was [patriciatepes](http://patriciatepes.livejournal.com/) and I will link to her lovely artwork as soon as it debuts!

Anna was sat under a tree in her favourite garden. And no, before you ask, it wasn’t _that_ garden. She did this with all new recruits. It was her way of bringing them down from whatever previous, high-stress mission they’d been on. Because she always got the ones that were in need of a come down. She kept her garrison very informal and was used mainly as a PTSD therapist for every Angel that had seen too many battles and just wanted to lie low for a bit.

She knew why this was. It was because she was in charge of watching over the humans. And aside from the odd special one, mostly their job would be just that; watching. She rarely called on her soldiers to fight and she wouldn’t ask anything of them that she wouldn’t do herself. She was told it worked well for heaven too, because sooner or later they would get bored and come crawling back on hands and knees, begging for a _real_ job.

The Angel she was expecting was young; he’d probably just been through his first battle. He’d probably never even seen Hell before and when he did, it would probably scar him beyond all repair. It usually did. For a while at least.

He was late. If one could be late with no sense of real time. Maybe it was just that she’d been here too long. Being up here made her anxious and without a vessel, she felt naked. Some said she’d been among the humans too long. She longed to be back with them.

Then suddenly, she wasn’t alone. She felt him before she saw him and she was almost taken aback by how young he felt. There was no real way of aging an Angel but sometimes you could feel the new ones, feel how they were still hopeful and naive. She heard the flutter of his wings behind her and turned. Anna didn’t stand, instead she gestured for him to sit.

“Castiel,” She said, just for formalities sake, she already knew he was who she was looking for.

“Yes,” he said and another wave of _new_ washed over her. She wondered if he’d even seen a battle.

“I’m Anna. Please, join me.” She prompted him to sit again and this time he did, still with an air of uncertainty.

“I was sent...” he started and Anna cut him off with another hand gesture. Too many Angels came to her thinking that they were being punished.

“You weren’t sent, you were assigned to my garrison. Despite what people say, there is no shame in observing the humans and this isn’t a punishment.”

He looked uncertain again and she felt for him. “I didn’t...” He started and she cut him off again.

“Relax. I might be in charge but I’m not going to eat you. You are as much an Angel as I am, you should not be afraid to be in my presence.”

“Ok.” He nodded and looked at her expectantly. She wished he wouldn’t. But then he was an Angel, they had to look at someone expectantly because they didn’t know what else to do. She’d never been very good at it herself, which was probably why she was a leader.

“Ok. Now, let’s get some basics on file. Name: Castiel.” She filled in for him. “Preferred sex?”

He hesitated and Anna smiled at him. “Meaning: which gender vessel do you prefer to inhabit and what shall I address you as?”

“Oh. Male.”

“Male. Check. As you have probably gathered, I tend towards the female. Hence the common shortening to ‘Anna’. Do you have a vessel prepared or would you like us to prepare one for you?”

“I’ve never...left before.”

“Alright, we’ll sort something out for you. We can’t have you going around blinding people, can we?” She paused, looking at him out of the corner of her eyes. He’d never even been allowed out. She both pitied and envied him, he had so much to see.

She suddenly felt tense and nervous, like a child holding a newborn for the first time. He was her responsibility, it was up to her to mould him into heaven’s image (or her own, she whispered to herself, in that dark place she wouldn’t admit to having). It was up to her to take him under her wing and teach him what it meant to be an Angel (and what horrible fate he was now beholden to). She shook her head, clearing her mind of these unbidden thoughts.

Still, she couldn’t let his first experience of humanity and Earth be on some mission. The rest of the formalities could wait.

“How would you like to see our Father’s creation?” She asked him and for once he didn’t look uncertain or nervous, he looked her straight in the eyes and nodded. Her breath caught in her throat, another, different type of unwelcome thought rising in her mind; what beautiful eyes he had.

-x-  
On her first trip to Earth she’d felt like a kid being dragged through a museum and told they couldn’t stop to look at anything. She had so many questions but nobody had the time or the desire to answer them. She was told to be quiet and watch God’s work.

She was brought into a dwelling and made to kneel and pray for this child of fate that they were about to communicate with. She looked up and around while her brothers and sisters bowed their heads. 

Each one of them had special ranks and special titles acquired because of what they did best, their specialist skill. She looked at each one of them; Elijah (of innocence), Sachael (of purity), Anahita (of fertility), Lailah (of conception) and Pistis Sophia (of creation). Gabriel (the messenger) was still standing, elevated above them all in status and rank. Their names and titles echoed around her head like they were mocking her. She’d never left heaven, she’d never done anything of note, she hadn’t earned her title yet. She was Ananchel of nothing. She felt like a child amongst them, not worthy of this privilege.

She watched, still overwhelmed and embittered by her placement, as the girl they were seeking came into Gabriel’s light. She looked like little more than a child in Anna’s eyes. Gabriel delivered his message, whatever it was that they weren’t allowed to hear, and a look of fear and confusion passed over the girl’s face. Anna’s heart went out to the child, something she wasn’t aware of yet as being _wrong_. She got to her feet and reached out a hand, unable to move any further because she was not a messenger, she was meant to go unnoticed, unseen.

“It’ll be ok,” she whispered, her hand seeping light from it, passing through Gabriel’s own light to weave its way around the frightened child. “Everything’s going to be ok.”

To her shock the girl seemed to recover, smiling and becoming more sure of herself.

Once they were done, Anna was rushed back to heaven, not allowed to stay behind with the other Angels but kept in solitude. She wanted to kick and scream and shout her way out but she knew that would land her in more trouble.

Eventually she was joined by four older Angels, each one carrying that weary look they grew over time. They didn’t introduce themselves but Anna recognized Gabriel from before. She was told later that these were the Archangels. One of them turned to her and placed a hand to her chest. Her grace seemed to rise to the surface and glow against her skin.

“You are Ananchel; Angel of Grace,” she said, pushing her grace back into her until she saw white behind her eyes.

“Thank you,” she said shakily, knowing she’d earned something more than a title.

-x-

Anna shook her head, clearing her mind of the memory. It had been the first time she felt she belonged in heaven and it made her sad because she hadn’t felt like that since. As soon as she was put back with the other Angels of her age and rank, they began to make fun of her, calling her human and laughing at how she had an _open heart_. They told her Angels weren’t meant to have open hearts and that she couldn’t really be an Angel.

She shook her head again; she was above that now and above them. Below almost four centuries had passed since that day and she didn’t know where to begin counting the passage of time in heaven but it had been a while.

She chose vessels for Castiel and herself from the many they had on standby. Angels usually felt most comfortable with a constant vessel, one they had obtained consent from themselves. But there were a few, like her that didn’t. She felt that claiming a vessel for life, or at least until it was destroyed, was a terrible cruelty to the human that you were sharing it with. So she used what she’d had come to refer to as ‘stock vessels’. They were also perfect in a situation like Castiel’s, where he’d never had the chance to seek his own. This way you just borrowed them and then returned them to themselves when you were done. Anyone who’d ever claimed to serve heaven was a possible candidate for that. They really should read the fine print, Anna thought, looking over a brother and sister in Rome. They would do. She’d already been told her next mission, it would take place this afternoon there and she told herself she was only bending the rules by going there early and taking him with her.

“Ready?” She asked, unfolding her wings for the first time in Castiel’s presence.

He didn’t answer straight away, he just stared at her wings. She didn’t blame him, they were unusual. They weren’t black or white or some grey in between like most others, they were enflamed red, like wine that had been watered down. She shook them self-consciously and made him blink. He unfolded his and they were pure black, like those of a raven or some similar bird.

“Alright then,” she said and took his hand, smiling nervously. “Don’t let go or you might end up somewhere you don’t want to be,” she said by way of explanation, making him grip her hand tighter before they descended. Soon enough she’d teach him how to fly to Earth properly, on his own, but not yet.

-x-

When they landed, it was no more than a ruffle of feathers and nobody but the two people they landed in seemed to notice.

“How does it feel?” Anna asked, knowing from experience that he’d have a million questions that he’d be too scared to ask.

“Unnatural,” Castiel said and Anna laughed.

The shoulders of his vessel rotated like he was trying to make his wings sit comfortably inside them. It was a hard skill to learn, she had to admit. Even if he were to keep them unbound, they’d be nothing more than shadow and light, it was one of the compromises made in order to walk amongst the humans.

“You’ll get used to it. It’s better if you can find a vessel of your own,” she said, mildly annoyed at herself for promoting the idea but knowing it was the truth.

“I’ll bear that in mind,” he said, looking uncomfortable at the idea. She smiled, proud of him.

She steered them over to a low wall so they could sit, watching over the busy Forum.

“So,” she started, trying to prompt his questions. He still didn’t rise to the bait. “Isn’t there anything you want to know?”

He paused, thinking it over and then finally said “Why do we have to watch them? I thought they had free will.”

Anna considered his question, it was a good one. “I suppose, we have to make sure their free will its in with the Divine Plan.”

“If that’s true then why give them free will?”

“Because without it, what would be the point?” Anna asked, voicing something she’d secretly thought for a long time; without free will, what was the point of them?

“I don’t know,” he said, with that mild resignation she’d always carried with her. She felt bad for inflicting that on him so early.

“Some people are very important and we have to make sure they make the most of their destiny. For example, it wouldn’t do to have Jesus accidentally hammer a nail through his own hand in his early stages of carpentry.” Castiel looked at her shocked, probably thinking she was close to blaspheming. “It very nearly happened and what would have become of stigmata then?” This time she knew she was close to blaspheming but it didn’t matter because he smiled.

“What are the rules?” He asked and Anna felt like rolling her eyes, it was another one of those things that _every_ Angel did, asked what the rules were, so that they could start following them as soon as possible.

“They’re pretty much what you’d expect. Don’t question your orders, they are the orders of God. Don’t develop emotions and under no circumstances ever have doubts.” She wanted to add _and never, ever think for yourself_.

Castiel nodded, no doubt everyone he’d ever spoken to had told him this.

“Then there are the human specific ones. Don’t let yourself be seen except when sanctioned. Don’t interfere unless sanctioned. Don’t do anything unless it’s sanctioned, basically,” Anna continued.

He nodded again, all of his concentration going on listening and recording what she was saying in his memory.

“There are some special cases in which we can reveal ourselves and interfere but these are few and far between, mostly we bear witness and report back to heaven.” She sighed, knowing the inevitable was about to happen.

“That doesn’t sound very interesting,” he said. _And there it was._

“It’s more interesting than you’d think. People really are amazing. They _feel_. They feel everything. They can hunger and thirst and lust and love and be jealous and angry and happy and sad.” She stopped herself short, realising she was getting carried away.

“And we’re not allowed to feel any of that?” Castiel asked. Anna marked his use of words, most Angels said they _couldn’t_ feel any emotions.

“No.” She lowered her head.

“How do we know if we are feeling them? How do we stop ourselves?”

“It depends on the feeling. We’ll never feel hunger or thirst because we don’t eat or drink, we are not dependant on chemical energy like they are.”

“That sounds like a good thing.”

“I suppose it is,” Anna conceded. “But happiness and sadness, anger, jealousy, they are all things we should be able to feel, but all too often we can’t because we don’t understand them and we’re not allowed to ask.”

“What about lust and love?” Castiel asked.

“Love,” she repeated. “I used to think that was the point of us, to be creatures of great love but every time I try to tell them this, they _convince_ me I’m wrong.” She didn’t tell him about Heaven’s methods of persuasion; hopefully he’d never know what they were.

“And lust or acts of love are completely forbidden,” she continued. “It is the source of all we see here but we are not allowed to experience it, not with them and not with each other. They say committing acts of love make it easier for us to feel emotions, which lead to doubts. It’s because of that rule that many consider falling.”

Castiel looked at her and then back at the people, probably wondering why any Angel would fall for them, but they did, sometimes in droves. He didn’t say anything so she continued.

“They also say things about sacredness and purity but if that’s not true of them, why should it be true of us? They are just as much our Father’s creation as we are.” She sighed again, realising that she’d been far too open with this new one, she’d let her guard down because he hadn’t had all these prejudices burned into him yet. He could still turn her over.

He looked at her, his head leaning to one side as if looking at her from that angle would somehow make her easier to understand. “I...” he started.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything. I know I shouldn’t have said all that. Just forget it,” she said, knowing that for better or worse, he wouldn’t forget it. “Come on, we’ve got somewhere to be.”

-x-

Anna stayed leader of her garrison and Angels moved in and out of it like amphibians in water. Somewhere along the line, over a millennia had passed below since she first met Castiel but it didn’t feel like that to her.

He came and went between battles and service to the courts of heaven. She didn’t have the aptitude for either of those things. She didn’t have enough righteous fury in her to be a warrior and she couldn’t bear to inflict suffering on others unlike some Angels. She liked to think he came back to her, or rather her garrison, when he felt he was losing himself to the mindless obedience of being either of those but in her heart she knew, like everyone else, he just wanted a break from the bloodshed.

She was under her tree, still using it for the same purpose when he approached her.

“Castiel!” She said, standing and embracing him. She hadn’t been told who she would be seeing but she could have picked him out from a crowd blindfolded had she been asked to.

“Anna.” He said, vaguely hugging her back. He’d always been oddly wary of too much physical contact. Maybe he’d taken their first meeting too much to heart.

“I’ve told them before, you don’t need to go through the formal interview every time.” She said by way of apology before sitting down. He sat immediately, highlighting how he’d changed over the years.

“So they tell me but I’ve grown to like them.” He smiled but she honestly couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.

“How long’s it been?” She asked, dreading the answer. Centuries seemed to pass between them as easily as days did for mortals. The last time he’d left the garrison, he’d promised to keep it touch. So had she. Neither had, but then again they never did.

“A hundred and ten, maybe a hundred and twenty years,” he answered and she winced.

“Have you been fighting all this time?”

“Courts of law. So many people are caught up in this divide between these two new factions in Europe. Angels are falling left, right and center because they can’t stop the humans from persecuting each other and then we have to decide if we let them fall.”

“I’m having the same problem. Our work load has doubled trying to keep track of who can kill who and who must be saved. You wouldn’t think they were all worshipping the same God. I don’t even want to think about this new ‘witch’ thing they’ve started. I bet someone is regretting giving them fire now.”

“That’s the problem with free will.” Castiel said, looking at her sideways, he knew what was coming.

“But what would be the point without it?” Anna said, obliging him. She wasn’t even sure she believed that anymore. She was running out of things she did believe in. “Do you remember the day we were witness to the creation of Damasus’ bible. The Greeks accepted that easier than this whole ‘divorce’ thing.”

“I remember. It was my first time.”

“Yeah. You weren’t even meant to come. Don’t ever tell anyone about it,” she said dramatically, her warning over a thousand years late.

“I was too scared to speak back then. The way you painted it, we couldn’t say anything without it being against the rules.”

“We still can’t.” Anna said, now much freer with how she spoke around him, knowing she could trust him.

“We can. We just don’t have doubts or emotions.”

“I’d say that’s a pretty large part of ‘everything’.” Anna said, wondering when he’s started saying he didn’t have emotions rather than he couldn’t have them.

“It’s an easy sacrifice.”

“How do you know? You’ve never had them.” She countered.

“That must make it even easier to be without them.”

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Anna quoted at him, a human saying she’d picked up.

“I would sooner not have to lose anyone,” he said and she conceded, letting him win this one.

-x-

He eventually went back to some battle or other. At some point, he heard that Lucifer had been put in a cage in Hell and was bound there. After rumours of that had died down he returned, once again seeking the peace of Anna’s Garrison.

“She’s late.” He said mostly to himself, sitting down under the tree and waiting for her.

After a while he felt her presence and then he spotted her, the glow of red amongst the other dull colours. He’d never said it but he envied her wings. She disappeared and reappeared beside him.

“I’m sorry Cas, you’ll never believe what the humans are doing,” she muttered.

“I’ve heard,” he replied. “They seem to have more wars than we do.”

“Let’s go for a walk,” she suggested, not liking how many Angels were in what she’d come to consider _her_ garden. They didn’t know what to do with themselves at the moment, more and more people were losing faith or abandoning entirely to commit terrible atrocities and aside from the select few, all they could do was sit and wait for them to stop.

They walked, exchanging pleasantries and small talk until they found somewhere away from earshot. It wasn’t that they had anything to hide; it was just being alone like this, Anna felt free to be honest and completely herself. Well, maybe not _completely_ herself but more so than she was with any other Angel. They found themselves in another garden, this one darker and more overgrown but she still liked it.

“I’m worried, Cas.” Anna said finally. “No-one has heard from God in _decades_ , all we get is second hand messages from Joshua and now their world is falling apart around them.”

Castiel put a hand on her arm and steered her over to a tree. “Anna, you have to be more careful than this. Especially if you’re worried. We’re not meant to feel anything. We’re not meant to worry; it’s too close to doubt.”

“ _Meant to?_ Does that mean you feel it too?” She asked, not caring for half-secrets and omissions of truth anymore.

“Of course not, I’m an Angel, I feel nothing.” He answered, looking at her and tightening his hand on her arm in an attempt to get her to come to her senses.

“No, Cas, that’s what _they_ want you to think! I’m an Angel and I feel.”

“Be quiet!” Castiel urged her, not for his sake but for hers.

“No, I’m done with this bullshit. I feel. _I feel!_ I feel happy that you’re coming back to me. I feel sad that you will eventually leave again. I feel angry at this damned system we are forced into!” Castiel attempted to cover her mouth with his hand and she pulled it off again “I feel love for you, Castiel. I feel envious of the humans because they are _allowed to feel_. I feel everything and I cannot be the only one.”

Anna had more she wanted to say but Castiel had covered her mouth with his own and that stopped her dead in her tracks. He reeled back as soon as he realised what he had done.

“What are you doing?” she asked, incredulously. There she’d been making a speech about _the rules_ and then he goes and actually breaks one of them.

“I don’t know. I just...had to shut you up. I’m sorry.”

“Cas...” Anna started but was cut off by the flutter of wings. He’d gone. She closed her eyes and leaned back against the tree with a sigh.

-x-

Thirty years passed on Earth below her. It was nothing to her; she didn’t care about that anymore. If she’d thought she’d felt things before that day with Cas in the forest, then talking about it had made it a thousand times worse. Now it was always on the tip of her tongue, tormenting her, the words she’d said echoing inside her head. It had just about driven her insane. Especially that one thing that she hadn’t even known she was feeling. _I feel love for you, Castiel._ She hadn’t even noticed what she’d said until after he’d left. That combined with the way that every worry, every doubt disappeared from her for that second in which he’d broken that one rule. The rule that she’d been thinking about ever since.

She cleared the garden, pulling rank for the first time in her life. Then she sat below her tree, _their tree_ and did something she never thought she’d ever do. She prayed. She prayed directly for him, for Castiel (of temperance, of solitude, of tears and of Thursday). She took a moment to wonder how he’d racked up four titles and what he’d done to get them. She didn’t even want to think about some of them.

“Are you aware that you end your prayers _Ananchel of Grace_ , like you’re writing a letter.”

“Castiel.” She wanted to get to her feet and embrace him but she held herself back in case he disappeared again. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve not done this before,” she admitted. She didn’t know if that was considered a sin or not but it seemed everything was a sin these days.

“You were the last person I expected to pray for me,” he said, sitting beside her. If he hadn’t insisted he felt nothing, she would have said he felt guilt in that moment.

“Do you remember that first day in Rome, witnessing...”

“...Damasus create his new bible? Yes because you bring it up every time I see you,” he interrupted.

“Well, I said to you that many an Angel had considered falling for that last rule.”

“Love?”

“More or less.” She nodded. “Well, since then 200 Angels have fallen for love.”

“I know, I presided over their trial. The Watchers we called them.”

“And why were they called that?” Anna asked, already knowing the answer.

“Because they watched the humans too long and became too much like them.” He stopped and looked at her. “Are you saying you want to fall?”

“No. Of course I don’t _want_ to fall. But I don’t _want_ to keep living like this, like dogs to one grand master. If we’re not supposed to feel things, why give us the ability to? It’s nothing short of torture,” she said, tears coming unbidden to her eyes. 

“He didn’t,” Castiel said quietly.

“Stop it Cas, you know as well as I, we _can_ feel, if we want to.”

“You might be able to but the rest of us can’t.” He said and she could tell from the mildest shade of regret in his voice, he believed it to be true and he wasn’t completely happy about it.

“There was a time when you could. I could see it, I could _feel_ it inside you. You were different.” She wanted to point out that even in saying he didn’t feel anything, there had been the barest hint of emotion but she didn’t, there was no point if he wouldn’t see it.

“I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to leave here, I don’t want to leave you, Cas.” She raised her hand to touch his face, right by those bright blue eyes and he didn’t stop her.

“Then don’t.” He said it as if it was the simplest thing in the world and for that second, she could see him like he was when they first met. Uncertain and so young, he was only three centuries below younger than her but back then it seemed such a difference.

“I think I love you, Cas,” she said finally, giving a voice to the something she hadn’t known she had been feeling all these years.

“You once said that Angels were meant to be creatures of great love.”

“No, Castiel, I mean I _love_ you. In all the ways we’re not meant to.” She leaned forward on her knees and caught his mouth with hers, just for a second, just like he had done with hers in the other garden. “That’s how I love you.”

“Anna...” He started but he didn’t move away, he just sat, looking at her expectantly like all Angels did when they didn’t know what else to do. She kissed him again, this time like the humans kissed. She pressed her body into his, closing her eyes and opening her mouth, breathing him in.

It took longer than she expected but eventually she felt his hand on her, pushing her back.

“You cannot _make_ me feel.” He said, which was more devastating to her than if he’d handed her over for breaking the rules. Torture under heaven’s hands didn’t hurt as much as those five words and the way they were said. She unfolded her wings and flung herself into the furthest corner of heaven, where she knew he wouldn’t find her, even if he tried.

-x-

She sat there for hours, asking herself what she had in heaven that was so worth hanging onto. It used to be Castiel but now even that had become forbidden.

She looked down at the humans and for the first time in her life wondered whether she would she be better off without these emotions that were plaguing her.

Tears rose in her eyes again. She would miss him. She’d put his name forward to lead the garrison should she wish to retire. They hadn’t realised that when she said retire, she meant permanently. Heaven was the original Hotel California.

She looked down at herself, her true form felt less _hers_ , than any borrowed vessel did. She put a hand to her chest, feeling her grace reach out of her body as mist and glowing light, its tendrils wrapping themselves around her fingers, curling itself around her hand.

 

This had been what she’d been named for, Ananchel; Angel of Grace. She looked at it like some foreign creature, it wasn’t even a part of her anymore, it was just something that had taken up residence in her being and she’d never had the heart to evict it.

 

It was time that changed; she thought to herself defiantly, flinging it as far from her as she could before she erupted into light, her being following her grace down to Earth, thankfully, irreparably and _finally_ separated from it.

-x-

Words echoed in her head; some whispering and some screaming at her. At first she thought it was a nightmare, a silly dream, but when she opened her eyes, they didn’t stop. She brought her hands up to cover her ears, not making a blind bit of difference and finally she screamed herself, unable to do anything else.

Her parents came running into her room but she couldn’t hear them, she could only see them, frantically asking questions and trying to touch her. The noise turned into static, getting higher and higher until it was screaming back at her, making her ears bleed. Then that too faded and she was left with silence, broken by one voice, a voice she felt like she had known all her life but she couldn’t quite place.

_Dean Winchester is saved...._

Silence fell again and she could finally take her hands away from her ears and hear her parents' voice.

“What is it, Anna? Honey?” her mother said and she replied with the only words she had, the ones that have been burned into her soul like a brand.

“Dean Winchester is saved.”

-x-

Uriel had gone to seek revelation on Castiel’s behalf; the higher Angels were becoming wary of Castiel, he could feel it and he didn’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to himself. So he sat, the superior, and waited for Uriel to bring him news. He knew it would be something big, they’d both been summoned and when Uriel was involved, Castiel knew it couldn’t mean anything good.

“What news is there?” Castiel asked when Uriel returned. He felt somehow both impatient and tired. He wanted to get whatever it was over with.

“It doesn’t have to be something to concern yourself with, Castiel,” Uriel said and Castiel shook his head, knowing however bad he thought it would be, it must be infinitely worse if Uriel didn’t even want to tell him.

“I’ve been assigned to this mission, whatever it may be.”

“You’re not going to like it.” Uriel warned but Castiel just stared at him, waiting. “Fine. It is one of the fallen. They appear to have _awoken_.”

“Did they stand trial before they fell?” Castiel asked, knowing it was unlikely. Nobody in Heaven ever admitted to doubts, let alone wanting to fall. They just went ahead and plummeted, more often than not, leaving streams of paperwork in their wake.

“No.”

“Was one held in their absence?” Again, it was a pointless question, Heaven never truly let anyone go.

“Of course. The verdict was guilty,” Uriel said, acknowledging the fact as if it meant nothing to him. It probably didn’t. Castiel wished he could say the same.

“So we are to be the executioners,” Castiel stated, resigned to it. It wasn’t a duty he liked but it wasn’t one he could refuse either. He couldn’t even delegate it now that he led the garrison. He’d always been taught: never ask your soldiers to do something that you yourself will not. “Very well.”

“Do you want to know who?”

“Do I need to know?” Castiel asked, preferring not to attach a name and possibly a history to whomever it was he would have to kill.

“I think you do.”

-x-

Castiel closed his eyes, his mind wandering back to what had to be more than twenty years below. It seemed to feel like so much more than that and yet so much less.

_“The accused, one Ananchel, not present, is faced with charges of disobedience and desertion. In usual circumstances we would enact the death sentence and be done with it. However, she has assimilated. She has taken host within a mother and prepares to re-birth herself, mortal and completely purged of all powers and memory. Given the nature of her fall and the fact she does not appear to have caused any greater damage to the Host, I move that her execution be deferred until such a time where she can be recovered and answer for her crimes.”  
There was a vote, so they could call it a fair trial but everyone was always expected to agree with whatever verdict was given by the court. Castiel muttered his agreement along with the rest of them, his nails digging into his palms enough to draw blood. He prayed that she’d never put herself in a position where she could be recovered but he very much doubted she’d be so lucky. All it would take would be a slip, either by her or by Heaven and she would reveal herself, even if she didn’t know it._

_“May the Lord have mercy on her soul.” The court said, as they always did, despite the fact Angels were not given souls and they certainly weren’t given mercy._

-x-

“I can handle this myself if you don’t feel... able,” Uriel said.

“I’m able. I just wish it was someone else, _anyone else_.” Castiel sighed. “Where is she?”

“Your pet monkeys have her.” Uriel allowed himself a smile.

Castiel sighed again, half wishing he could tell Uriel to handle it himself. He’d given anything not to have to do this and he’d give anything else he had left not to have to do it in front of Dean.

“Let’s go,” he said, anger rising up in him. He wasn’t sure if he was angry at his superiors for assigning him this task, at Anna herself for being so reckless as to get caught, or at himself, for letting everything in.

-x-

He kicked in the door before they arrived, creating as much of an entrance as possible, almost hoping to scare them away. Now that he knew it was her, he could feel her. He could feel her fear and her pain, her confusion over what was going on. The closer he got to her, the more he felt the small changes in her. She didn’t have her grace. She was still mortal. She didn’t even know who she was.

He walked through the door first, sure that his presence would placate Sam and Dean, at least for a moment. Dean presumed that he was here to help and he couldn’t say anything for a second, he couldn’t lie but he didn’t want to tell them the truth either. So he let Uriel talk in his place, while he gathered up his resolve.

“We’re here for Anna.” Castiel said, his voice steady and even, countless centuries worth of training keeping any emotion out of his voice.

Dean’s eyes narrowed, still seeing through him. “Here for her like _here for her_?”

“Stop talking,” Uriel commanded and Castiel was grateful for it. “Give her to us.”

“Are you gonna to help her?” Sam asked, always with the stupid questions.

“No,” Castiel said, finally plunging into the unavoidable. “She has to die.”

“You want Anna? Why?” Sam says, not letting go of that habit of his.

Uriel stepped forward, thankfully overshadowing him. “Out of the way.”

Of course, Dean had to step up in return. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I know she's wiretapping your Angel chats or whatever, but it's no reason to gank her.”

“Don't worry. I'll kill her gentle.” Uriel replied because he’d take any opportunity to yank Dean’s chain.

“You're some heartless sons of bitches, you know that?” Dean said, directly at Uriel, not even looking at Castiel but still he answered.

“As a matter of fact, we are.” _And you don’t know the half of it,_ Castiel added silently. “And?”

“And? Anna's an innocent girl,” Sam said and Castiel shook his head, if only she were.

“She is far from innocent.”

Sam looked at Dean and Dean looked worried. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means she's worse than this abomination you've been screwing,” Uriel said and Cas looked at the floor, trying to pretend it wasn’t _Anna_ they were talking about. “Now give us the girl.”

Sam and Dean looked at each other again, a resounding defiance passing through them. Castiel sighed, he’d known they’d make this more difficult than it had to be.

Dean made what Castiel supposed was meant to be a smart remark and Uriel responded by making the demon fly. He didn’t pay them any attention, he let them fight. Dean went after Uriel and Castiel let him, thankful that he didn’t have to face him himself. He wasn’t so lucky with Sam; he tried to block the door, just about begging Castiel as he put him under. His hand reached for the door and the light flickered, he knew what she was doing and he had about half a second to wonder how she knew what she was doing before the cabin faded into white light and he and Uriel were back in Heaven.

-x-

“Thank you, Pamela, that helped a lot,” Anna said, her voice suddenly calm as water. “I remember now.”

Dean and Sam looked at her in confusion.

“Remember what?” Sam asked.

“Who I am,” Anna clarified. They looked at each other, apparently she hadn’t clarified enough.

“I’m an Angel.”

The room went silent, almost hostile. She didn’t blame them.

-x-

Castiel felt her change. Since being that close to her, her soul was following him around, in the forefront of his thoughts. It had gone from scared to angry like the tide of the sea, but now it had evolved entirely. She knew who she was now, he was certain of it.

“Anna?” He tried, testing to see how much she’d gotten back, if she could hear his prayers. If she could then they were met with silence.

-x-

“Don’t be afraid, I’m not like the others,” Anna said, meaning it in every possible way. She wasn’t just trying to soothe the demon, she wanted it known, she didn’t want herself associated with them at all.

“I don't find that very reassuring,” the demon said, still hostile.

“Neither do I,” Pamela agreed.

“So...” Anna said, looking down but stepping forward. “Castiel, Uriel, they're the ones that came for me?”

“You know them?” Sam asked.

Anna nodded, out of all the Angels in Heaven... “We were kind of in the same foxhole.”

“So, what, were they like your bosses or something?”

She looked back over to Dean, a small smile playing on her lips and she looked down in what she hoped came across as modesty. “Try the other way around.”

“Look at you,” Dean said, impressed.

“But now they want to kill you?” Pamela asked, this time her tone gentler.

Anna folded her arms and started pacing again. She wanted to be angry but she couldn’t, she knew what it was like for them. If anything, she pitied them, Castiel especially. “Orders are orders. I'm sure I have a death sentence on my head.”

“Why?” Pamela asked.

Anna turned back to them. “I disobeyed... which, for us, is about the worst thing you can do.” She remembered it all now, all the hurt, all the anger, all the things she wasn’t meant to feel. “I fell.”

“Meaning?” Dean asked.

“She fell to earth, became human.” Pamela explained.

Sam looked at her. “Wait a minute. I don't understand. So, Angels can just become human?” He made it sound so simple.

“It kind of hurts. Try cutting your kidney out with a butter knife. That kind of hurt.” They just looked at her, confused. “I ripped out my grace.” 

“Come again?” Dean looked at her like she was mad.

“My grace. It's... energy. Hacked it out and fell. My mother, Amy, couldn't get pregnant. Always called me her little miracle. She had no idea how right she was.”

“So, you just forgot that you were God's little Power Ranger?”

“The older I got, the longer I was human, yeah.”

“I don't think you all appreciate how completely screwed we are,” Ruby cut in, reminding Anna this wasn’t a trip down memory lane.

“Ruby's right. Heaven wants me dead.”

“And Hell just wants her. A flesh-and-blood angel that you can question, torture, that bleeds. Sister, you're the Stanley Cup. And sooner or later, Heaven or Hell, they're gonna find you.”

Anna looked at her. She was almost certain she’d rather Hell found her first. But knowing Castiel like she did, she doubted he’d let that happen. She steeled herself against what she was about to say.

“I know. And that's why I'm gonna get it back.”

“What?” Sam asked and she turned, answering him almost too quickly.

“My grace.”

“You can do that?” Dean asked.

“If I can find it.” Anna nodded.

“So, what, you're just gonna take some divine bong hit, and, shazam, you're Roma Downey?”

“Something like that.”

“All right. I like this plan. So, where's this grace of yours?”

“Lost track. I was falling about 10,000 miles per hour at the time.”

“Wait. You mean falling, like, literally?” Sam asked and Anna turned back to him.

“Yes.”

“Like the way a human eye can see? Like a comet, maybe, or a meteor?”

“Why do you ask?”

-x-

“We should go back.” Uriel said, impatiently. “Enough time has been wasted with that damn spell of hers. Innocent? Ha.”

“No.” Castiel shook his head. “That won’t solve anything. If we go in and try to take her by force, it’ll end up like before. We’re going to have to play this one differently.”

“We should just go in and take her. They are humans, what can they do?”

“They can make this complicated. We should never have even tried that approach, Dean’s too... righteous.”

“Yes, yes, _The Righteous Man_. Have I told you how sick I am of that? They are doing nothing to stop the seals from breaking and they are making our jobs a lot harder! I long for the day when they cease to be useful.”

“Enough, Uriel.” Castiel said, raising his hand in an attempt to shut him up. He was trying to think. If they went in again, they’d have a bigger and better prepared fight on their hands. Dean would fight to the death to protect a human life, it was one of the best things about him. But Castiel wouldn’t be able to make him see that this wasn’t a human life, she was one of them, one of his kin, his responsibility. If he didn’t do his job then he could be tried for insubordination and what would his defence be? A human’s feelings would be hurt. It was laughable. He didn’t _want_ to do it, but it was his duty, surely Dean had to understand that. He knew Anna would.

“Issue a warning. Make sure she hears it. She’ll give herself over.”

-x-

Anna stared up at the moon, wondering how far up Heaven was and if they could see her. They were no doubt looking. She’d sent back Cas and Uriel but they would return or they’d send more. Either way, she didn’t exactly feel safe.

She heard Dean’s car pull up and she looked over her shoulder as he walked towards her.

“Pamela get home okay?” She asked, a small twinge of guilt coursing through her. That woman had done so much for her, it was sad that she was so scared of her now.

“Yeah. She said she was sorry. It's just after last time, she, uh... This is just a little too rich for her blood,” Dean replied.

“I don't blame her. You guys should do the same,” Anna said, meaning it with all her heart but knowing they wouldn’t.

“Well, we're not that smart.” Dean paused and Anna could feel that he was working up to the real reason he was lingering. “Can I ask you something?” He walked round to sit on the front of the car, her eyes following him round. “What do they want me for? Why did they save me?”

“I'm sorry. The Angels aren't talking about it.” She lied; they rarely talked about anything else. “And it was after I fell.”

“That's another question. Why would you fall?” Dean asked and Anna looked away. She’d been dreading this moment. “Why would you want to be one of us?”

“You don't mean that.”

“I don't? A bunch of... of miserable bastards, eating, crapping, confused, afraid.”

“I don't know. There's loyalty... forgiveness... love.” Each one of those word felt like a small victory and a terrible loss at the same time. She remembered feeling each one of them and then having them thrown back at her.

“Pain?” Dean said, almost reading her thoughts.

“Chocolate cake,” Anna countered.

“Guilt,” Dean pointed out.

“Sex,” she said, knowing she’d instantly won.

“Yeah, you got me there.”

She smiled and looked away. She could feel all of them, memories of her human life and of her Angel life, all swelling up inside her.

“I mean it. Every emotion, Dean, even the bad ones... It's why I fell. It's why... why I'd give anything not to have to go back. Anything.”

“Feelings are overrated, if you ask me.” Dean said, like someone who’d had enough of his own.

“Beats being an Angel.”

“How's that possible?” Anna looked at him and then looked away, half in disbelief. “You guys are powerful and perfect. You don't doubt yourselves or God or anything.”

“Perfect?” She asked, incredulous. “Like a marble statue. Cold. No choice. Only obedience. Dean, do you know how many angels have actually seen God? Seen his face?”

“All of you?”

“Four angels. Four. And I'm not one of them.”

“That's it?” He turned towards her. “Well, then how do you even know that there is a God?”

“We have to take it on faith, which we're killed if we don't have.”

“Huh.” He turned back and Anna guessed she’d won that one. It was a hollow victory.

“I was stationed on Earth 2,000 years. Just watching, silent, invisible, out on the road, sick for home, waiting on orders from an unknowable father I can't begin to understand. So don't tell me that...” She turned to him and noticed he was laughing. “What is so funny? What?”

“Nothing. Sorry. It's just...” He paused. “I can relate.”

She stared at him, she doubted that he could, that he _really_ could but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t get a chance to anyway; Sam brought them inside, he’d found something.

-x-

The something turned out to be a tree and they drove all night to get to it. Anna could feel her grace, a tangible trace of it, as soon as she stepped out of the car. The tree stood, tall and mighty, with Heaven’s light almost shining straight through it. Or that’s how it looked to her mortal eyes.

She felt fear clawing at her stomach. This would be it, this would be the end of it all.

She walked up to the tree and placed her hand on it, feeling the last remnants of peace fill her before she was left with a gaping emptiness.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said, almost angry. “It’s not here. Not anymore.” A horrible realisation came over her. If they’d found it first... “Someone took it.”

-x-

Anna sat with her eyes closed while the others argued. For about five minutes now, she’d been able to hear Uriel’s voice inside her head. At first it had scared her but it played itself over and over. They didn’t know where she was, they couldn’t come in person, they couldn’t do anything.

Finally she spoke up about it. “Um... guys? The Angels are talking again.”

That got their attention.

“What are they saying?” Sam asked.

“It's weird...” she started, deciding to play dumb rather than admit she knew all their siege tactics. “Like a recording... a loop. It says, _Dean Winchester gives us Anna by midnight, or..._ "

“Or what?” Dean asked, pointedly.

She looked at him, looking him straight in the eye. “ _...or we hurl him back to damnation._ ” She finished.

“Anna, do you know of any weapon that works on an Angel?” Sam asked, stepping forward.

She couldn’t help notice the look Dean gave his brother’s back. He didn’t want to see the Angels harmed. That was curious.

“To what? To kill them?” she asked, keeping one eye on Dean. Sam nodded, conceding. “Nothing we could get to, not right now.”

“Okay, wait, wait. I say we call Bobby. We get him back from hedonism...” Dean started before Sam interrupted him.

“Dean, what's he gonna tell us that we don't already know?”

“I don't know, but we got to think of something!” Dean snapped, glaring at him.

Anna knew better than to ask but she knew something was going on that they weren’t sharing.

-x-

Castiel came back to Earth, alone this time. He couldn’t track Anna the traditional way but some form of emotional outburst had landed Dean practically in his lap. He followed Dean’s thoughts to him and settled down in woods, close to Dean’s car.

He saw her then, picking her way over fallen branches. Even without her grace, she was unmistakable. Her hair shone as red as her wings used to and her pale porcelain skin glowed in the moon light, almost like she was herself again.

He watched her walk up to Dean and he could almost read her mind. He didn’t reveal himself and without her powers she couldn’t see him or even feel him there.

He wished he could say the same for himself. She was shining out like a beacon; he was surprised the hex bags had kept her hidden for as long as they had. She was scared and nervous and oddly determined. He’d come down here expecting to see her offering herself up and she was, just not to him.

She put her hand up to Dean’s face and told him things that Castiel himself had been forbidden to say. She leaned in and kissed Dean, just like she had done to him all those years ago but Dean didn’t push her away like he had. Castiel bit his lip, why would Dean turn her down, he was human, after all and so was she, they were allowed to do as they pleased. Then Dean kissed her and Castiel dug his nails into the palms of his hands, emotions overrunning him like they had never done before. Dean led her over to his car, climbing in the back seat after her.

Castiel wanted to leave, he even half turned away but something way keeping him there, something that was making his vessel’s stomach tighten and its heart pound. It wasn’t the act they were performing that was affecting him, he’d been called on to watch humans mate before, he’d had to bear witness at the conception of more than a dozen people. It wasn’t shame or guilt he felt. He couldn’t even name what he felt; it was entirely foreign to him.

He turned to leave again, even taking a few steps away but something pulled him back again and this time it was completely external to him. He was suddenly both outside and in the car, inside his body and pulled out of it, placed inside each of them, in a triumvirate of sorts. He understood why instantly, seeing it through both Anna’s and Dean’s eyes. Her hand was on the mark he’d left on Dean, his handprint, his ownership; she had to know what that meant. He flowed through all of them while her hand touched Dean’s shoulder. He was both inside Anna and wrapped tight around Dean, he felt the sweat on both their skin and the heat inside them. He was trapped inside them, feeling what they were feeling. Dean would have certainly been oblivious to his presence but Anna, if she knew he was there then she wanted him to see this. She leaned down and kissed Dean, the three of them forced together in an embrace, reaching some precipice that Castiel couldn’t understand but that surged through him nonetheless. Finally, all three of them spent, she let him go and he was back outside again, the night air turning the sweat on his body cold. He took flight, not sure if he was scared of what had happened or if he was terrified by what could happen next, what he might do.

-x-

Castiel stormed through a set of doors, into one of the many different heavens in Heaven, looking for Uriel. He knew he was being irrational but he could swear all the other Angels were avoiding him, Uriel especially. He’s summoned him four or five times now and still no answer. When he finally found him, he pushed a piece of paper into his hand.

“It’s a decommissioned farm in Kentucky; they’re hiding out in its barn. If you still can’t get in then invade one of their minds, make any threats you need to. I don’t care anymore, I want this over with.”

“And the humans?” Uriel asked, his lip curling at the idea of finally getting rid of the annoyance that was the Winchesters.

“Make sure they aren’t harmed.” Castiel sighed. “I mean it, Uriel. Make threats but make sure they are empty ones or you’ll be the next Angel I have to hunt down.”

Uriel gave him a dark look and Castiel matched it.

“As you wish.” Uriel inclined his head in obedience but Castiel could see the gesture was a hard one to give.

“Just go,” Castiel said, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, by the time he breathed in again, Uriel was gone.

When he returned, he was positively fuming. One day Castiel would have to learn how Dean pushed Uriel’s buttons but it would have to wait.

“It is done. We can collect her at dawn,” he said, sitting back down in the leather armchair that Castiel had found him in.

“Good.” Castiel turned to leave.

“You know he’s fucked her...” Uriel said, pretending to inspect his nails.

“I am aware.” Castiel paused, reining himself in just in case Uriel planned to push the matter. “It is of no concern of ours. She’s still mortal, she has free will, she may do as she pleases.”

“If my pet started chasing around after the scent of every bitch, I’d have him neutered.”

“He’s not my pet,” Castiel said, anger seeping into his voice again.

“But you’re starting to become his. Or is it our sweet Anna? One of them has you riled up,” Uriel muttered and Castiel ignored him.

“Be ready at dawn when I send for you,” Castiel said, before taking flight.

-x-

Castiel made the doors swing open and slam behind them, this time not trying to achieve anything, he just felt like it. He looked Anna over again and realised as far as she knew, this was the first time he’d seen her. Her breath was coming out on shallow gasps and she was shaking like an animal about to be slaughtered.

“Hello, Anna, it’s good to see you,” he said, only half lying. It was good to see her again, but he wished it was under any other circumstances.

“How? How did you find us?” Sam asked, bewildered.

Castiel looked from Anna to Dean. Sam’s looked round at Dean and Anna followed his gaze. Not surprisingly, Dean didn’t meet anyone’s eyes. Castiel dropped his own eyes, ashamed that it had been his command that had put Dean in such a position.

“I’m sorry,” Dean finally said, looking Anna in the eye as he said it.

“Why?” Sam asked but everyone ignored him.

Anna’s look moved from Dean to Castiel, seeing right through him. She turned to Sam and explained it to him.

“Because they gave him a choice,” Anna said. Castiel could feel Sam’s eyes on him but he refused to meet them. “They either kill me or kill you.” Anna’s eyes joined Sam’s on Castiel, hers holding more intensity because she knew how to get to him. “I know how their minds work.” He finally looked up and this time it was Anna who dropped her gaze.

She reached out an arm to touch Dean’s, leaning in and kissing him. Castiel did he best to stare straight ahead and appear unmoved.

“You did the best you could. I forgive you.”

Castiel looked away, he had to. It wasn’t her place to give out forgiveness anymore, not after what she’d done and certainly not to his... not to Dean. When they were allowed forgiveness, both of them, he should be the one to give it.

“Okay.” Anna said stepping forward, making Castiel look at her. “No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready.”

For a second, Castiel couldn’t move or think of anything to say and this time Uriel didn’t step in for him.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, hoping she knew how truly sorry he was.

“No. You’re not. Not really. You don't know the feeling,” Anna said with venom in her voice. He couldn’t blame her; he’d been the one to adamantly deny he felt anything all that time ago.

“Still, we have a history. It's just...” He paused, barely for a second; he’d hate himself if he said the word _orders_.

“Orders are orders,” she interrupted, saying it for him, filled with just as much hate. “I know. Just make it quick.”

He found himself unwilling to move again and everyone was watching him, waiting for him to do something, to kill her. And he couldn’t.

Before he had to, a demon voice attracted everyone’s attention. Uriel stepped up to fight them and for a second he was grateful. Then he realised they were here for the same reason that him and Uriel had been sent, they wanted Anna.

“Turn around and walk away now,” Castiel said.

“Sure. Just give us the girl. We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper,” the demon said with a smile that made his skin crawl. He might not be able to save Anna but he could save her from them.

“You know who we are and what we will do,” he walked up to them, so that he was standing with Uriel. “I won't say it again. Leave now or we lay you to waste.”

“Think I'll take my chances,” the demon replied.

He got in three good hits before he realised nothing worked, the demon wasn’t dying, he wasn’t even returned to Hell.

“Sorry, kiddo. Why don't you go run to daddy?” The demon knocked him to the floor, his hand crushing his throat and he began sending him back to Heaven, the old fashioned way.

The demon was only a few more repetitions away from it having an effect when he fell back, the hand on his throat releasing him. He looks up just in time to see it was Dean that had come to his rescue. Of course, within seconds he needed rescuing himself.

He was about to get up when a light caught his eye, it was on a chain in Anna’s hand. He had barely a second to comprehend what it was before it smashed in front of him, flowing into Anna and bringing her to her knees.

“Shut your eyes,” she urged everyone as she her grace fought with her human soul. “Shut your eyes!” She got to her feet, her grace obviously winning. “Shut your eyes!” She gave in and screamed, some of the light, what used to be her soul flowed back out of her before she exploded, taking the demon in her wake. Castiel hadn’t needed to shut his eyes, he had seen every second and all he could do was watch, stunned. Anna had taken back her grace. Even though the damned thing made her miserable. He shook himself, reminding himself what he was thinking was close to blasphemy. He still felt something inside him break at the thought that it had all been for nothing, for her at least.

He got up, not sure what they were supposed to do now. She’d be impossible to find now that she’d regained her powers, especially if she chose to hide on Earth.

“Well, what are you guys waiting for? Go get Anna,” Dean said looking from him to Uriel. “Unless, of course, you're scared.”

“This isn't over!” Uriel said, moving to strike Dean. Castiel held him back. Dean couldn’t be blamed for his part in this, he was only here because of the position that Castiel had put him in.

“Oh, it looks over to me, junkless,” Dean said to Uriel and then looked back to Castiel, as if expecting a confirmation or a denial that he couldn’t give. Castiel left without a word; there was nothing he could possibly say.

-x-

When Castiel returned himself and Uriel to Heaven, he was restless. He paced around his favourite gardens in his favourite heavens but he couldn’t find peace in any of them. The trees seemed to be watching him and judging him. He knew he was being paranoid; trees didn’t watch or judge anything, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Had he been to slow to react, had he wanted Anna to escape?

He shook his head. Of course he hadn’t _wanted_ to kill her but even suggesting that he had passively disobeyed, that was a dangerous thing to do, even inside his own head.

He stretched his wings out, not sure if he was planning to go somewhere or whether he just wanted to feel them. He looked over his shoulder at them; they were like so many other Angels' wings, plain black. At first, he was scared of them because so many of his brothers and sisters had wings that were white, pure as snow. He thought that must mean they were good and he wasn’t. But then Anna had explained to him, darker wings were common in Angels birthed after Lucifer’s fall, as he had been the Bringer of Light and he’d taken some of that light with him. He didn’t dare ask her about her own wings and why they were so different from everyone else’s. In Heaven, more often than not being different was a bad thing, so he didn’t draw attention to it. She’d also been very self-conscious of them, probably for that very reason, but he’d found them beautiful in their uniqueness.

He folded his wings back in place, trying not to think about her. A task that proved impossible because she refused to leave his thoughts, she’d taken residency in his mind and apparently that was going to be changed by pacing.

It didn’t help matters any when he began to hear her actual voice inside his head, summoning him, commanding him and then finally, praying for him. He was unsure how to react. He wanted to go to her, but then there was still the matter of her disobedience. She was meant to be killed on sight and now that she had broken free, he knew he wouldn’t be able to do that. But she didn’t know that and he couldn’t fathom why she’d put herself at risk after fighting them so hard.

He unfolded his wings again, shaking his head in disbelief at himself and going to her.

-x-

When he arrived at the place, a nice suburban park that her voice had led him to, Anna wasn’t there.

 _Have you come alone?_ She whispered in his head and he nodded, _of course_.

 _You swear, on your life and your grace?_ she asked; an old sentiment, one that was rarely used anymore.

 _I swear, on my life and my grace,_ Castiel replied, the words seeming ironic. It was more common to swear like that over matters of obedience, not... he didn’t finish the thought. He hadn’t disobeyed yet, he hadn’t seen her.

“Ok,” she said, suddenly in front of him, breaking whatever denial he had been making. She was wearing a vessel now, another red haired girl, but this one was slightly older with a different accent, her hair more like copper than the deep red of her human form. She always did choose red.

“What are you doing? I’m supposed to kill you.”

“Are you planning to?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

He hesitated, if he said it aloud, it would be a line he’d never truly crossed before. He said it anyway. “No.”

“Well then.” She shrugged.

“I still don’t like it though,” Castiel said, taking a seat on a nearby bench.

“Neither do I. I wish...” She smiled sadly. “If wishes were horses, my parents used to say. I grew up around here, you know.”

“I was made aware.” Castiel looked up at her, he wished she’d sit down too.

“I still remember it. All of it. In great detail.” She folded her arms. “It’s horrible really, I was so close...” She trailed off again.

“To being free?” Castiel asked and she nodded. “You weren’t really, you know how they are and they know something will trigger you sooner or later. They just made you think you were free.”

“It was better than nothing.” She sighed.

“Out of curiosity, what was it? That triggered you, I mean?”

“You don’t want to know.” Anna said and Castiel sighed, he wished people would stop telling him what he did or didn’t want to know.

“I asked.”

“You’re better off not knowing, trust me.”

“Just tell me and then I can tell you how right you were.”

“Fine. It was you.” She paused and let Castiel stare at her. “Or I’m almost sure it was you.”

“What did I do?” Castiel asked, wishing he hadn’t asked.

“You pulled Dean Winchester out of hell. Those were the first words I heard, _Dean Winchester is saved..._ For two weeks I couldn’t say anything else, I just repeated it over and over. Then so many other things got said... they thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not. Dean needed saving, the only sorrow is that you were too late.”

“He doesn’t know that. He thinks we pulled him out to save the world.”

“Will he?” Anna asked.

“Did you know it was a trick? The Angels and the Demons, Heaven and Hell, all coming for you.” Castiel asked, changing the subject.

“No. They never told me. I suppose they wanted me to play my part, make it look real.”

“You were really going to give yourself over? For humans?”

“Of course. Oh, don’t look at me like that, Cas, how many times have you nearly given your life for humans, the same humans at that?” Anna rolled her eyes at him.

“That’s different. You barely know them.”

“I know Dean,” Anna said and Castiel looked away. “I know there’s something more between you, something I don’t think either of you understand.”

“You knew what you were doing, didn’t you?” Castiel said, still not looking up.

“I did,” she admitted, not even needing him to clarify what he was referring to. “Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Because I’m not. I crossed a boundary, sure, but... I wanted you to feel something, while I still could.”

Castiel didn’t answer her. There were a thousand things he could have said. A hundred questions he could have asked. A dozen confessions he could make. But he held them all back. He told himself what he’d felt hadn’t been his own; it had merely been borrowed from her.

“He’s one of the special ones, I can feel it. Do you remember, that time...”

“...Outside the forum as Damasus’ bible was created,” Castiel finished in a monotone, a habit he’d forgotten they had. Anna laughed, just like she used to before but Castiel couldn’t, it wasn’t the same now.

“Yeah. That. I told you about the important people, the ones that only come along once in a generation. Well, Dean’s one of them. You know that, right?”

“Yes. I know. But that doesn’t mean...” Castiel started.

“I never said it did.” Anna interrupted. “I just wanted to make sure you knew.”

“I know.”

There were a few moments silence in which she finally sat down beside him.

“I didn’t want it to come to this,” she said, barely above a whisper. “And not just this, I didn’t want to fall. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have left you up there.”

“You did what you needed to do. I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you wanted it to.”

“Me too.” She sighed. “Being human is so much easier, you know. You can say what you want, you can do what you want and when you feel things, you’re allowed to act on them.”

Castiel open his mouth. He nearly said _that doesn’t have to stop for you, you can think for yourself now_. He closed his mouth again, not trusting himself to say anything.

“Goodbye, Cas,” she said, looking at him and smiling weakly.

“Goodbye...” he started, but she had already gone. “...Anna.”

-x-

After that Castiel would like to have said he moved on and didn’t give her or her words another thought but Angels aren’t really allowed to lie.

What she’d said and what she’d implied chased each other round his head until it nearly drove him mad. Not many people could tell but a few important ones could. He didn’t do anything as risky as question orders but his tiny hesitations gradually got bigger until they couldn’t be ignored. He received something akin to a slap on the wrist and they demoted him for a while, charging Uriel with watching over him, making sure he was obedient. So when Uriel walked in, he stood, trying to look as obedient as possible.

“We’ve got another one,” Uriel said, not needing to say any more than that, the Angels in their garrison had been dropping like flies recently.

“Who is it?”

“It’s difficult to say. She was wearing a human at the time of her death and she’s not exactly forthcoming about her real name now.”

 _Her name._ Castiel thought, that meant it was probably a female Angel, which narrowed it down considerably.

“So, we don’t know it’s one of ours? It could be a... fallen.” Castiel paused before the word, thoughts of Anna coming unbidden to his mind.

“It’s one of ours. The MO is the same as always. Knifed and left where humans could find her. We want you to go and get her before those apes interfere.” Uriel said, he always gave commands like that.

“And if we’re too late?” Castiel asked, knowing what humans were like and how quickly they could act while Angels sat around and _talked_ about it.

“Leave her.”

Castiel bowed his head, not sure if he was trying to display grief at another one of them dead or submission under Uriel’s orders.

-x-

When he got to the scene it was a wreck. He glared around, wondering how anyone could be so reckless as to leave an Angel out in the open and then practically create a neon sign above the spot. He silenced a car alarm, something akin to buffing out a dent on a write off, but the noise had irritated him. He walked over to the body lying broken on the ground. The vessel was pretty, blonde but at the end of the day the Angel inside was long gone, leaving barely a trace behind. It wasn’t anyone he recognized but a few names sprang to mind based off of the look this woman had. He knew both Hester and Rachel preferred blonde women. He sighed; they’d just have to see who didn’t come back when summoned.

“Goodbye, Sister,” he said before the distant car alarms grew louder, forcing him to leave.

-x-

He returned back to Heaven instantly and as he guessed he would be, Uriel was waiting for him.

“Well?”

Castiel shook his head.

“Lucky for you, we have a lead. Someone managed to drag Alistair from whichever hole he was hiding in and we’ve been ordered to make him sing.”

From the way he said _someone_ , Castiel gathered it hadn’t been him and he wasn’t pleased about that.

“Torture?” Castiel said, it wasn’t an uncommon request when trying to make demons talk.

“In a way. But they’ve tried our methods. They feel the need for someone a bit more... _familiar_. Someone that can hit a bit closer to home, so to speak.”

“A demon?” Castiel asked, a bad feeling growing in his gut.

“A Winchester.”

-x-

Castiel looked around the motel room. He disliked lurking in the dark like he was a demon himself.

“Can’t we wait until they are present?” He asked.

“This way is more... dramatic. Now just stand in the corner and look pretty. That boy seems to be able to yank your chain and you go running, I don’t want that to become a problem.”

“It might be useful. He’s more likely to help if we ask him nicely first.”

“Fine. I’ll ask. But if he is unwilling, I shall change that.”

Castiel nodded and put himself in a corner. He was almost thankful; he didn’t want any part in it anyway. They waited in the darkness for a handful of minutes until they heard the car pull up outside.

“Ah, home crappy home,” Dean said as Sam flicked on the lights.

“Winchester and Winchester,” Uriel said, announcing their presence.

“Oh come on,” Dean said the instant he saw them.

“You are needed,” Uriel said, looking straight at Dean, ignoring Sam.

“Needed? We just got back from needed!” Dean snapped.

“Mind your tone with me!” Uriel said, his voice as quiet and controlled as Dean’s hadn’t been.

“No, you mind your damn tone with us.” Dean took a few steps forward.

“We just got back from Pamela's funeral,” Sam said, by way of explanation, acting as mediator between the two.

“Pamela. You know, psychic Pamela? You remember her.” Dean looked round Uriel to get Castiel’s attention. “Cas, you remember her. You burned her eyes out. Remember that? Good times.” When Castiel just stared straight at him, he turned back to Uriel. “Yeah, then she died saving one of your precious seals. So maybe you can stop pushing us around like chess pieces for _five freaking minutes_!”

“We raised you out of hell for _our_ purposes,” Uriel replied, still disquietingly calmly.

“Yeah, what were those again? What exactly did you want from me?” Dean asked.

“Start with gratitude,” Uriel said and Dean pulled a face.

Castiel didn’t want to say anything but he found himself trying to explain what they were doing. “Dean, we know this is difficult to understand.”

“And we...” Uriel turned to glare at Castiel. “...Don't care.” Castiel turned away from them, staring straight at the wall in front of him. He could feel Dean’s eyes burning into him. “Now, seven angels have been murdered, all of them from our garrison. The last one was killed tonight.”

“Demons?” Dean asked and Uriel made a gesture with his head that could have either been a _we don’t know_ or a _yes_ , whichever suited their purposes. “How they doing it?”

“We don't know.” Uriel admitted.

“I'm sorry, but what do you want us to do about it? I mean, a demon with the juice to ice angels has to be out of our league, right?” Sam asked and Castiel couldn’t help but turn and watch.

“We can handle the demons, thank you very much,” Uriel said, with an air of sarcasm

“Once we find whoever it is,” Castiel pointed out, noticing Uriel tense. Apparently that wasn’t something he should have said.

“So you need our help hunting a demon?” Dean asked, incredulous. He’d calmed considerably and seemed more willing to listen now. Castiel walked up to where Uriel was standing, knowing if he was going to get Dean to co-operate, that would be the moment for it.

“Not quite. We have Alastair,” Castiel conceded, he could feel Uriel’s eyes on him now and he was thankful he wasn’t saying anything.

“Great. He should be able to name your trigger man,” Dean said.

“But he won't talk. Alastair's will is very strong.” Dean looked down, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, the idea of Angels trying to torture Hell’s number one torturer was apparently amusing him. “We've arrived at an impasse.”

“Yeah, well, he's like a black belt in torture. I mean, you guys are out of your league.” He said, the smile still begging to break free.

“That's why we've come to his student.” Uriel said and Dean sobered instantly. “You happen to be the most qualified interrogator we've got.”

Dean looked down and Castiel tried to repair the damage Uriel had done. “Dean, you are our best hope.”

“No.” Dean said, looking up, looking at him. “No way. You can't ask me to do this, Cas. Not this.” Castiel looked at him and longed to say he didn’t want to ask, he wouldn’t ask but he couldn’t say it, not if Heaven had commanded it. All he could do was watch as Uriel approached Dean, holding true to his earlier promise.

“Who said anything about asking?” Uriel took Dean and Castiel followed, a mere second behind.

They landed in the warehouse that they’ve been keeping Alastair in. They’d set it up themselves a few hours ago. More precautions had to be taken if they were going to keep him on Earth. Just in case.

Castiel turned to see Uriel let go of the scruff of Dean’s neck. Dean straightened himself, trying to regain some dignity. Castiel pretended he hadn’t seen.

“He’s in there.” Uriel said, pointing Dean to the heavy door, expecting him to just walk through it.

Dean walked up to it and Castiel followed, staying close. He knew it wasn’t going to be that easy.

“This devil's trap is old Enochian. He's bound completely,” Castiel reassured him.

“Fascinating,” Dean said and turned away. “Where's the door?”

He started walking and Castiel turned, following him with his eyes. “Where are you going?”

“To hitch back to Cheyenne, thank you very much,” Dean said and Uriel blocked his path.

“Angels are dying, boy,” he said.

“Everybody's dying these days. And hey, I get it, you're all powerful, you can make me do whatever you want.” Dean turned back to Castiel. “But you can't make me do this.”

Castiel turned to face him and started walking towards him. “This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it.” He stared at Dean, almost imploring him. He didn’t even know if he really wanted Dean to give in or not, he just wanted him to know...this wasn’t what he wanted either. Even if Uriel had insisted they didn’t care, Castiel still did.

He seemed to get something across, enough for Dean to look back to Uriel. “I want to talk to Cas alone.”

There was a long pause and Castiel took in a deep breath. Finally Uriel spoke, “I think I'll go seek revelation. We might have some further orders.”

“Well, get some donuts while you're out,” Dean said, probably in an attempt to lighten the tense atmosphere that had developed.

Uriel laughed, “Ah, this one just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you, boy.”

“You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby,” Dean said after Uriel had gone. Castiel just looked at him. “You know, I'm starting to think junkless has a better sense of humor than you do.”

“Uriel's the funniest Angel in the garrison. Ask anyone,” Castiel said, aware they were both avoiding what they _should_ be talking about.

Dean walked up to him, finally meeting the elephant in the room head on. “What's going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?”

“My superiors have begun to question my sympathies,” Castiel said, trying his best not to implicate Dean.

“Your sympathies?” Dean asked.

“I was getting too close to the humans in my charge,” Castiel gave in. “You.” Dean looked down. “They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.” He felt like he was reading words out of a text, words that weren’t his. He turned away from Dean, unable to continue saying them.

“Well, tell Uriel, or whoever...” Dean shot him a glance as he walked past. “You do not want me doing this, trust me.”

“Want it, no. But I have been told we need it.” Castiel said, finally saying words that he’d been biting back in Uriel’s presence.

“You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.” Castiel could hear the strain, the pressure of tears in his voice. He had to say something, even if it brought him close to dissention.

“For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this.”

Dean closed his eyes. “I know. But I’m going to have to do it anyway, aren’t I?”

“I’m sorry,” Castiel muttered.

He watched as Dean looked over the trolley of items they’d prepared for them. Most of them had been Uriel’s idea; he was more creative in that area that Castiel was. He watched him wheel it past him, this time decisively not looking at him and into the room they were holding Alastair in.

All he could do was watch as Dean did the unthinkable, just because he had asked him to.

It was all he could do to stand there and listen to Alastair’s screams, knowing it was Dean who was causing them and it was him that caused Dean to be doing it.

-x-

After a while, he couldn’t say how long but it was long enough, he turned and placed his hands on the table, leaning on it, hoping it would support him better than he could support himself. Each scream bit at his grace, the holy water being poured like acid down the demon’s throat seemed to be burning him just as badly.

It wasn’t pity or anything like that for the demon. He honestly couldn’t care less about the demon. It was the dark, twisted mess of Dean’s soul that was calling to him, screaming, begging him to stop. He knew if he didn’t keep himself in check, he’d barge in there himself and ruin everything. _This had to be done_ , he told himself, _Heaven commanded it, God commanded it_. The words rang hollow in his ears, drowned out by the pain seeping from the next room.

He stared down at the table, so he wouldn’t be tempted to turn to the door and watch. “God damn it!” he blasphemed, infinitely glad he was alone. He wasn’t sure who in this building was truly being tortured, Alastair, Dean or himself. He severely doubted it was Alastair.

A light across the room flicked then smashed and he looked up at it. He didn’t think he could deal with Uriel any more, or anyone else for that matter. He blinked and stood up, he could feel it was her without even looking.

“Anna.”

“Hello, Castiel,” she said, in a voice just familiar enough to make him turn.

“Your human body?” he asked, turning back again. The screams echoed from the other room, filling the silence for a second.

“It was destroyed, I know. But I guess I'm sentimental. Called in some old favors and...” She trailed off and Castiel wondered who those old favors had been from, who she still trusted.

He nearly looked at her again and then he remembered his resolve and the weakness in it. He was meant to kill her. He couldn’t. Aside from that, if Uriel returned, she’d be killed for sure. He would too, in all likeliness.

“You shouldn't be here. We still have orders to kill you.”

“Somehow I don't think you'll try.” She moved past him, towards the door that separated them from Dean and Alastair. “Where's Uriel?”

“He went to receive revelation.”

“Right,” Anna said, not really listening. She turned back to him. “Why are you letting Dean do this?”

Castiel turned away, unable to look at her as he repeated the phrases he’d been programmed with. “He's doing God's work.”

“Torturing? That's God's work?” she asked, incredulous. “Stop him, Cas, please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have.”

“Who are we to question the will of God?”

“Unless this isn't his will,” Anna countered.

“Then where do the orders come from?”

“I don't know. One of our superiors, maybe, but not Him.” She said and he turned back towards her. She was leaning on the table now, just like he had been. He walked up to it, finally looking at her. “The Father you love. You think he wants this? You think he'd ask this of you? You think this is righteous?”

He looked away and felt her take a step closer, making him look back up. “What you're feeling? It's called doubt.” She said, seeing straight through him. He looked away again, closing his eyes.

She brushed her hand over his and Alastair screamed again, an unholy, infernal noise and it was just _wrong_ , he could feel it.

“These orders are wrong.” He looked down at her hand. “And you know it.” Back up to her eyes, gleaming in determination, trying to make him believe. “But you can do the right thing. You're afraid, Cas.” She grasped his hand tighter and he had to look away, her eyes and her words were making his head swim. “I was too. But together, we can still...”  
“Together?” He asked, his head suddenly clearing. That was what she wanted, him on her side. She didn’t care about Dean and she didn’t care about him, not really. He pulled his hand away and decades of anger and hurt came rushing back to him. He walked around her, trying to burn this image of her into his head so that he could finally be rid of her.

“I am nothing like you. You fell.” He turned his back on her. “Go.”

“Cas.” She started and he turned, anger seething inside him now.

“Go!” He commanded. He could see her bite the inside of her lip, trying to keep control of the tears that were threatening to fall. He softened slightly. Maybe he’d been too quick to judge her, maybe he was pushing all his problems onto her. He looked down and Alastair screamed, almost covering the sound of those beautiful wings.

Castiel turned back to face the door, aware things had gone a bit too quiet. He could see Dean being held up by Alastair, bruised and bloody, a hand around his throat. Castiel blinked and found himself on the other side of the door, right behind Alastair, Ruby’s knife in his hand.

Alastair dropped Dean to turn and face him just as the knife plunged into his chest. He pushed Castiel off, both watching the little effect the knife had.

“Well, almost. Looks like God is on my side today,” Alastair said and Castiel reached out his hand, turning his wrist and turning the knife. It wasn’t enough to stop Alastair from pulling the knife out.

The demon charged him and he got a few hits in before he was pushed into a wall, metal pushing through his back, keeping him from moving. Alastair’s hand closed around his neck, ensuring that he couldn’t escape.

“Well, like roaches, you celestials. Now, I really wish I knew how to kill you. But all I can do is send you back to Heaven,” Alastair said before starting to chant. This time it was more effective and works faster, he could feel himself being pulled from his vessel.

He’d almost gone entirely but Alastair inexplicably released him and he could get a hold of his vessel again. He fell to the floor, powerless as Sam entered his blurred field of vision. He could barely hear what he was saying but it was sparkling clear what he was doing. Castiel staggered back to his feet, looking from the pinned, writhing mess that Alastair had become and the barely in control human who was holding him there. His attention was distracted again by Alastair.

“Lilith is not behind this. She wouldn't kill seven angels. Oh, she'd kill a hundred, a thousand.”

Sam lowered his arm, letting him go.

“Oh, go ahead. Send me back, if you can,” Alastair taunted him.

“I'm stronger than that now. Now I can kill,” Sam said, rising to the bait. Castiel turned back to him in disbelief and watched as true to his word, he crushed the demon inside its host, killing him as if he were a bug.

When he was done, Sam guiltily looked at Castiel, as if only just noticing he was there. Castiel glared back at him until he looked away.

-x-

Castiel stood in the room where he had waited while Dean tortured Alistair. He could almost still hear the screams reverberating. Maybe Anna had been right. Maybe this whole thing was wrong. Sam was an abomination, Dean was...

“Did you stop him?” Anna’s voice came out of nowhere. Castiel turned to look at her and sighed. Each time she did this, she put such a strain on his obedience that it was starting to wear him out.

“I was too late. Alistair broke free of the trap. He nearly...” Castiel stopped, he couldn’t say it.

“Is he alive?” Anna asked. She reached out a hand and then dropped it, remembering the last time she’d tried that. It was a habit she had picked up a long time ago, maybe when she was human, maybe before that. It was starting to annoy her.

“Alistair is dead. Sam killed him. Dean is alive, just.” Castiel looked down, this was his fault, this was something he had to fix. He knew there was nothing he could do in his weakened state but he had to see Dean. “I have to go.”

Anna smiled, nodding. The look on her face was almost human. Perhaps she understood him better than he could ever hope to understand himself.

-x-

Castiel sat for a long time thinking, considering what Uriel had said and what Anna had said. He didn’t want to believe either of them but everywhere he turned, something struck him as being wrong.

Finally, when he had made his decision, it was dark. He walked through the park, looking for trees and wildlife, something that would make her feel welcome. Something that would help him think of her as the Anna he’d known before. He found a path bordered by trees and streetlamps. It would have to do.

“Anna?” He asked into the open night. He knew she’d hear him. He had a feeling she’d stuck close by. “Anna, please.”

The light above him flickered after what seemed like an age to him. He didn’t know whether he was being paranoid or if he should be rightfully scared. He turned and there she was, like she’d been waiting.

“Decided to kill me after all?” she asked.

“I'm alone.”

“What do you want from me, Castiel?” she asked, resignation heavy in her voice. She’d given up on him, he could tell.

“I'm considering disobedience.”

“Good.”

“No, it isn't.” He didn’t know how she could be so sure of herself, of her course when he felt like he was drowning. “For the first time, I feel...” He paused, searching for what it was exactly he felt. Maybe it was just enough to feel. Maybe that was what was wrong. He was feeling...something, anything.

“It gets worse,” she admitted; she still remembered how it felt before she fell. He looked away so she approached him, thinking he’d changed his mind about her. “Choosing your own course of action is confusing, terrifying.”

She put her hand on his arm and he stared down at it like it was something foreign. Nothing had changed after all. She dropped her hand, angry with herself for even hoping.

“That's right. You're too good for my help. I'm just trash. A walking blasphemy.” She turned and started walking away.

“Anna,” Castiel said and she stops, not even sure why anymore.

“I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do,” he asked her, that’s what he’d hoped she’d give him. Even if they weren’t from Heaven, he could follow her orders, he could tell himself she was a higher class of Angel than he was, it would be right. She turned back to him and he knew she wouldn’t, it was written in the smile on her lips.

“Like the old days?” She shook her head. “No. I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself.”

She left him standing there, not sure what he thought anymore. His eyes caught a dripping faucet and one thought rose to the surface from the depths of his mind. It had been one that he didn’t even want to think about.

-x-

He returned to the abandoned warehouse. He still couldn’t be sure. He still needed someone to tell him he was right at the very least.

“Anna.” He called her again. “Anna, I don’t want you to tell me what to think. I promise. I just want...advice.”

This time she took her time and for a moment, he thought she had stopped listening to him.

“Castiel, there’s nothing more I can say to you. You have to do this for yourself and once you do, there is no going back.”

“That’s not what I need. I need you to listen and tell me if you’d come to the same conclusions I have.”

“Alright, but they will still be your conclusions to act on.”

“Yes.”

“Ok.”

“Demons aren’t conducting the murders. Sam is adamant and after his _methods_ , I’m inclined to believe him.”

“If it’s not demons then you know what that means.” Anna leant against the table.

“It’s one of our own.” Castiel agreed.

“Have you received revelation yourself, have you heard who's giving the orders?” Anna asked.

“No, I’m not...Uriel outranks me now, he receives revelation. He told me they want us to stop looking.”

“After all they’ve put Dean through? That’s madness Castiel.”

“I know. I don’t think Uriel’s being told anything at all, I think Uriel is the one telling.”

“Then it’s him. Are you sure?”

“After you left, I noticed a tap dripping. Nobody could have broken that devil’s trap, not unless they were in the building and could manipulate metal and water. It had to have been Uriel.”

“Then you know what you have to do.”

“I can’t, I need to be sure, I need him to admit to it.”

“Castiel...” Anna sighed.

“This is the course I have chosen and I have chosen it myself like you wanted me to. You didn’t want to have any part in what I do, so you shan’t.”

“Castiel.” Anna bit the inside of her lip to keep herself in control. She had been the one to tell him to think for himself but she wished he hadn’t chosen such a dangerous position to put himself in.

“It’s what I have chosen,” he said again, telling himself as firmly as he was telling her.

“Fine,” she said, trying not to sound as angry as she was. “Don’t get yourself killed.”  
-x-

Castiel turned the dripping water off and knelt down to where it had landed. It had washed away the chalk keeping Alistair in. He couldn’t deny it any longer. It had to be Uriel. He called out to him, hating himself for pretending to still want orders from him, pretending that he was considering an offer that shone so clearly for what it was now.

“You called?” Uriel appeared almost immediately, he’d obviously been waiting for Castiel to say yes. “What do you say, Castiel? Will you join me? Will you fight with me?”

“Strange. Strange how a leaky pipe can undo the work of Angels when we ourselves are supposed to be the agents of fate.” Castiel turned to look at him, daring him to keep up his charade.

“Alastair was much more powerful than we had imagined.” Uriel tried but Castiel saw right through him now.

“No. No demon can overpower that trap. I made it myself. We've been friends for a long time, Uriel. Fought by each other's sides, served together away from home, for what seems like forever. We're brothers, Uriel. Pay me that respect. Tell me the truth.”

“The truth is, the only thing that can kill an Angel...” Uriel let an Angel blade slide down into his hand, Castiel followed it with his eyes. “Is another Angel.”

“You?” Castiel said, making himself ask it so that Uriel would have to either deny or admit it and there was no denying it now.

“I'm afraid so.”

“And you broke the devil's trap, set Alastair on Dean.” Castiel said, using facts as fuel. He knew a fight that he couldn’t hope to win was coming, he was telling himself the things that were worth dying for.

“Alastair should never have been taken alive. Really inconvenient, Cas. Yes, I did turn the screw a little. Alastair should have killed Dean and escaped, and you should have gone on happily scapegoating the demons.”

“For the murders of our kin?” Castiel asked, disgusted.

-x-

Anna closed her eyes. She could hear Castiel and Uriel like she was in the room with them. Their conflict was creating energy like a generator and she’d been the one to turn the handle. Emotion was shining brightly from both of them and it pulled at her grace. She wished she didn’t have to hear it but that’s who she was; she was the Angel Of Grace, she was their commander. They were hers to protect and discipline. Uriel had been killing her old garrison, her friends and now he was going to take Castiel as well. She wished she couldn’t feel at all.

“All you have to do is be unafraid.”

“For the first time in a long time, I am.”

She could feel every punch like an explosion in her mind. She could feel Cas’ fear battle with his determination to do the right thing. It was heartbreaking. He intended to martyr himself for the cause or for their fallen brethren or more likely for Dean. It was infuriating but she couldn’t tell him to stop, not after she’d told him to think for himself. She couldn’t have it both ways.

She could feel Uriel too, his blind faith, his hatred. He’d become a twisted, sick version on an Angel. She wondered if this is what she would have become if she hadn’t left.

“You can't win, Uriel. I still serve God.”

Even as he said it, she could feel him losing.

“You haven't even met the man.”

She couldn’t sit and listen any longer.

“There is no will.”

She stood and spread her wings out, the blood red eclipsing the light behind her.

“No wrath.”

She followed Cas’ thoughts as they broadcast themselves; determined to bring Uriel down one way or another.

“No God.”

She landed silently, picking up a discarded blade and burying it in Uriel’s neck.

“Maybe. Or maybe not,” she whispered as blood gurgled in his throat. “But there's still me.” She pulled the blade out and let him fall. She walked around his body to stand with Castiel and watched as he exploded into light, just like she had when she accepted her grace again. But this was his grace leaving, burning ash wings into the ground as it went.

Castiel turned to face her after what seemed like forever. She swallowed, not quite sure what the look in his eyes meant. He pushed her into one of the few undamaged walls and for a second she though he was going to turn her in or kill her himself for what she had just done. He stared at her, his eyes heavy with some form of inner conflict, whatever he was thinking about doing, he was fighting it.

“I had to do it, Cas, he would have killed you.” She said in a weak attempt to explain her actions. “I couldn’t stand by and let him kill you. Not you.”

“I know,” he said, still not letting her go.

“Then why are you doing this?” she asked. She could fight her way out, she could take him down easily but she didn’t want it to come to that.

“I don’t know,” he said, pushing against her harder, making it difficult for her vessel to breath.

Then as quickly as he had grasped her, he released her. She stood there, not sure what to do or say, barely remembering to breathe.

“Castiel...” She started, leaning into him, her lips an inch from his. She felt him give in. She could have asked anything of him and he’d agree. She could have taken anything she wanted. He just wanted to be commanded. “You should go to him,” she said, pulling away from him.

“Thank you,” he said before disappearing in a blink. She wasn’t sure what she was being thanked for, saving his life or letting him go. She didn’t know which she’d prefer. She collapsed back against the wall, her feelings for him once again twisting at her stomach and taking away everything she’d thought she was certain of. Did he have any idea what he was doing to her?

-x-

“You’re still here,” Castiel said by way of announcing himself.

“I’ve got nowhere else to be. Besides, certain matters had to be taken care of.” Anna nodded down to the outline of burnt wings, their owner long since disposed of. “How’s Dean?”

Castiel looked up sharply and Anna knew in that instant how Dean was, he was broken.

“He knows, doesn’t he?”

“Knows what?” he asked but Anna just shook her head, ignoring the play at innocence.

“That you were too late.”

“How do you know that, it was before you...” He trailed off, not sure whether she wanted to be reminded of how she’d ended up where they were.

“Before I got my grace back?” She finished for him. “Cas, I could hear every Angel and you were the loudest voice, I know every thought you had between saving Dean and when I...came back to the fold.”

“Oh.”

“He asked me about it and I lied to him. I’d hoped as much as you did that he would never find out.”

“He doesn’t think he can stop the apocalypse.” Castiel admitted.

“Do you think he can do it?” Anna asked. She had heard a lot while she had been human and she was still holding most of it back. For once, she thought faith would prevail over fact.

“I have more faith in him than he has in himself... or in me.” Castiel sighed, he sounded like he’d lost faith in himself as well.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know. I swear, of all the humans in the world...I’ve never been invested in the fate of one so much as I am now. Even Heaven noticed it, they demoted me under Uriel and he was _killing us_. It’s not right.”

“No, Castiel, that is right. That’s how we should be. We should care and we should love. It’s not right to live our lives cold and hard and unmoving. We’re different. You’re different now.”

“How do you know?” Castiel asked, bewildered himself by what he was saying.

“Do you think I’d be stood here with any other Angel? Any of the others would have killed me the instant I disobeyed but not you. I know you, Castiel, and I know you know what you’re doing now is right. Maybe you don’t see it yet but you will, just like I did.” Anna took his hand in hers and squeezed it, knowing this time he wouldn’t push her away.

“How can you be so certain?” he asked her.

“Because it feels right, you have to let yourself _feel_ because you’ll never _know_ anything.” She breathed in and moved closer to him. “Do you feel, Cas?”

He didn’t answer her; instead he put his hand on her neck and pulled her into his body. She felt him hesitate for the slightest second before kissing her and that was exactly what she’d wanted, he was thinking for himself, he was making the decision, he wasn’t asking her to tell him what to do, he was just doing it.

-x-

Once the door was opened, it seemed to come easily to him. His hands moved independently of his mind, settling on her waist, applying the slightest pressure on her skin through her coat and shirt. The material of her coat made her feel trapped so she shed it, moving her attention to Castiel’s coat. The heaviness of it made it fall off his shoulders easily, taking the suit jacket with it, with just the slightest push. His shirt was more difficult, being held in place by his tie and her focus was drifted as he kissed down her neck.

When she finally wrenched it free, she turned her attention to the buttons of his shirt, undoing each one by hand, using the task to keep her anchored. Her own shirt was afforded no such luxury as it was pulled apart, his mouth following it as it slipped down her body. When he unhooked her bra and let it fall, she extended her wings, her pleasure manifesting them and making them glow red. It wouldn’t be enough for humans to see but it was enough for them. Castiel tried to match her but the lights smashed and all that came were the great black shadows that told of what his wings could be, if material. Anna considered telling him it was fine, it was his first time but she knew that would sound patronizing so instead she ran her nails over where they should be, leaving pink marks in the place of black feathers.

His hands reached down to her thighs and he lifted her up but had nothing to set her down on. She searched out somewhere devoid of life and within a blink of an eye he was lying her down on a mattress and pulling off her jeans. They’d left half their clothes behind but it didn’t matter, they could always materialise more.

He either followed his instincts or what he’d learned from centuries around the humans, his fingers circling her clit through her underwear and making her wonder how they could have spent a millennia side by side without this. Her head fell back against the mattress and the thin layer of cotton was pulled away, the rush of air making her skin feel cold where it was wet.

As he entered her she saw flashes of that night she’d spent in the back of Dean’s car. She remembered feeling him there alongside her that night, though she couldn’t work out why. Now she knew.

“Shhh, don’t worry about that,” she whispered. “Think about now.”

-x-

Anna was laid on top of the sheets, her pale skin almost blending into the white cotton. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a room in some house or hotel, she didn’t even know. A breeze was drifting in through an open window, tickling her bare skin but she didn’t care, the idea of modesty was long lost on her if she’d ever had it in the first place.

“He’s started showing signs of faith,” Castiel said, running a hand over her shoulders where her wings would be should she chose to release them.

“That’s progress, especially in a man who is virtually faithless.” She turned her head so she could see him.

“Yet he still acts like a petulant child when I can’t help him. He wanted me to directly interfere with a prophecy and threatened to not to help us when the time came if I didn’t. I tried explaining that I _couldn’t_ do it, whether I wanted to or not but he doesn’t understand of course, how could he? They have such freedom.”

“What did you do?” Anna asked, hope rising that maybe the Winchesters would refuse to take part in this sham of a war.

“I hinted that given the nature of the prophet’s celestial protection, there would be some benefit in putting him in danger.” There was something akin to a knowing smile on his face and she couldn’t help but laugh, he’d changed so much since he’d given into himself and let himself feel.

“What did you prevent coming to pass?” Anna said, curious to how far into rebellion he was dipping.

“Sam was supposed to meet with Lilith, seal some form of deal. I don’t know the details but Dean seemed to think he wouldn’t survive the meeting.”

“She wanted to call the war off,” Anna said, the realisation hitting her square in the chest. The only way she’d be willing to lay her cards on the table was if the demons had put together the final pieces of Heaven’s grand puzzle. Anna pulled the sheet around her and sat up. “Cas, are you sure you’ve done the right thing?”

A look of hurt and confusion flickered over his face. “You were the one who told me to trust my instincts...and of course, it was the right thing, it saved Sam’s life.” He said, his mind catching up with what she had really meant.

“Sometimes things aren’t that simple.” Anna bit her lip, wishing she had never said anything.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter now, it’s done.”

“Anna.”

“I can’t tell you. They don’t even know I know.”

“And they won’t know if you tell me,” he said and Anna shook her head.

“Yes, they will because if I tell you, you will go up there and try to tear everything down. They’ll kill you and I won’t let you die for a human.”

“It’s about Dean?” She didn’t answer him. “Sam?”

“It’s both of them!” she confessed, unable to hold herself back. “They don’t stop the apocalypse, they ensure it.”

“What?” Castiel stared at her in disbelief. “How do you know this?”

“I overheard it, along with everything else. Heaven wants this war, they left Dean in hell too long on purpose, they made sure you were too late. Sam will break the final seal and kill Lilith, that’s way she wanted the deal and they should have given it to her.”

“She would have killed them.”

“And now they’ll kill everyone else.”

“Not if I tell them.” Castiel stood, clothing himself instantly.

“No, Cas, you can’t! There’s a difference between letting emotions in and throwing yourself under a bus for them. It won’t do any good.”

“You’ve known all along and you let me get closer to them? You told me to love them?”

“You loved them anyway, just like you love me and all our brothers and sisters. All I did was tell you it was ok.”

“You knew.” Castiel persisted, his wings stretching out in anger but they were only a shadow on the wall, held back by the boundaries of his vessel.

“Yes.”

“I have to go.”

“No!” Anna shouted and her own wings broke free, spreading out from her naked back. Her vessel wasn’t human; she wasn’t suppressed like Castiel was. “I command you...” She stared but he interrupted her.

“That won’t work, Anna, not anymore. You told me to think for myself. That’s what I’m doing.”

“Then I beg you, don’t do anything stupid.”

He left her sat on the bed, her wings still shaking in panic. She wanted to curse him and blame him but she knew it was her own actions that had made him like this.

-x-

He didn’t come back. Eventually she gave up waiting and went back underground, so to speak, and listened for any trace of him. For a time it was silent and she relaxed, hoping that he’d come to his sense and let the matter go. Then she felt it, a dozen Angels at once coming for him. He didn’t stand a chance. She felt them drag him out of his vessel and take him back to Heaven. Then there was nothing, he was beyond her reach.

Although she was loath to go to them, knowing it was probably their fault that Castiel was gone, she put that aside and looked for the Winchesters.

“Hey, guys,” she announced herself, appearing in the back seat of their car.

Dean blasphemed and the car swerved out of his control for a second.

“Smooth,” she said, distracted by the lack of Castiel, or even his empty vessel. The car still smelt like him, he had been here recently.

“You ever try calling ahead?” Dean snapped back.

“I like the element of surprise.” She brought her attention back to Dean.

“Well, you look terrific,” he said, glancing back at her.

“Um, yeah, not the most appropriate time, Dean.” She looked away. The last time he’d seen her, she’d been a lot closer to him than to Castiel. It was awkward now the situation had completely been turned on its head but of course, he wouldn’t know that. “You let Jimmy get away?”

“Talk to ginormo here.” Dean gestured to Sam and Anna tried not to let her anger show.

“Sam. You seem different.” She could smell the demon blood in his veins; she wondered how he had managed to elude Castiel for so long. Or maybe it was because she already knew.

“Me? I don't know. A haircut?” He tried, but even Dean saw right through him. Perhaps he didn’t know about the blood but he knew something wasn’t right, she could see it in the way the back of his neck tensed as he stared straight ahead at the road.

“That's not what I'm talking about.” She stared at him, daring him to admit it or deny it but he looked away. She turned back to Dean. “So, what'd Jimmy tell you? He remember anything?”

“Why? What's going on?” Dean asked, completely clueless. Good, he didn’t know yet, that was something.

“It's Cas. He got sent back home. Well, more like dragged back.”

“To Heaven? That's not a good thing?” Dean asked and Anna could have laughed had Castiel’s life not been at stake, how little these humans knew of what Heaven was really like.

“No. That's a very bad thing. Painfully, awfully bad. He must have seriously pissed someone off,” she said, just to be sure they didn’t know anything.

“Cas said he had something to tell me. Something important,” Dean admitted.

 _Shit_ , Anna thought to herself. If Heaven had found out he was going to tell, if they even found out he knew, if they thought there was any way of it getting back to Sam and Dean...

“What?”

“I don't know.”

“Does Jimmy know?”

“I don't think so.”

“You don't _think_ so?” Anna said, anger building up again. If anyone got hold of that vessel, the things he could tell them about, it wouldn’t matter if Sam and Dean knew or not, that’d be the end of it. “Whatever it is, it's huge. You gotta find out for sure.”

“That's why we're going after Jimmy,” Sam said and Anna turned to him again, taking her anger out on him because it was his fault the world would end.

“That's why you shouldn't have let him go in the first place.” Anna turned away again, her thoughts turning to Castiel and what they were probably doing to him. “He's probably dead already,” she said to herself and left them to their fate. It didn’t matter what they knew or didn’t know, it didn’t matter what happened to them. Cas was gone. They had him.

-x-

Anna sat up with a jolt, her eyes wide and her breath sticking in her throat. She could feel him now and he wasn’t dead, he was so far from dead. All she could feel was fury and Heaven’s unmistakable mark, agonizing pain. Whatever they’d put him through, she knew it had worked.

“Oh, Castiel,” she sighed to herself.

She lowered herself back down onto the ground. She’d been lying in a field in Pontiac, hoping to feel him should he return to his vessel. Well, she’d certainly felt something return but it wasn’t the same Castiel that had been dragged home.

She wanted to go to him instantly but she knew better than that; he would still be raw from Heaven’s persuasion, she’d be the last person he’d want to see.

-x-

When she finally did go to him, she didn’t reveal herself, not straight away. She had to make sure he was safe to be around first, it wasn’t entirely paranoid to think that Heaven would still be watching him.

“Castiel,” she whispered when she was sure it was safe.

“Anna.” He spun to face her and when she saw the fire in his eyes, she knew she’d made a mistake.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” She turned to leave.

“No, you were right.” He said, taking her by surprise. “I should have listened to you.”

“Ok.” Anna turned back and took a tentative step towards him, completely confused.

“Of course I shouldn’t interfere with God’s plan. The Winchesters must face their fate as the world will. Sam will kill Lilith, Lucifer will be freed from the cage and he will meet our brother Michael in battle.”

“No, Castiel, that’s not what I meant.”

“It is God’s plan,” he repeated.

“This isn’t you speaking, it’s them. I can’t let you do this.” She took another step forward and he held out his hand, stopping her in her tracks.

“I don’t serve you any longer, Anna.”

“I never wanted you to _serve_ me, I just wanted you to be free. They’re the only ones who have ever asked for service.” Anna fought ack tears, she wasn’t crying for herself, he could take her life, she didn’t care, but watching him do this to himself was heartbreaking.

He turned his hand and she could feel him pulling at her grace. It rose to meet its kin and for a split second she could feel Castiel’s grace alongside her own. It was torn and maimed but it was fighting still.

“Please, Cas, you don’t want to do this.” She said, not referring to killing her. “I know you. You love Dean, you care for these people. You don’t want to see them all die for some stupid, petty fight that happened thousands of years ago.”

“It’s God’s plan,” he said again but it lacked some of the conviction it had held the last time he’d said it.

“Don’t do it. If not for me, for them, for _Dean_. Did you really pull him out of hell to throw him back in?”

Castiel loosened his grip on her and she fell to her knees, her power weakened.

“Just think about what you’re doing. Really think about it. If it’s what you want to do then go ahead.” She paused, getting to her feet. “But if it’s not...” She shook her head and took flight, escaping while he thought over her words. She was sure he’d listened.

-x-

Anna didn’t want to know what was happening with the Winchesters and the world ending. She wanted to bury herself away somewhere where she couldn’t hear everything. But there was nowhere far away enough. She could feel every certainty and every doubt that Castiel was having. She could hear every prayer Sam and Dean uttered, even though none were directed at her. She felt like she was living inside Cas’ head and it was the last place she wanted to be. He was on the edge of a precipice and he’d either fly or fall, but either way, he’d take her down with him. She could feel it coming, something life changing and part of her wished she’d never been assigned a young, innocent Angel named Castiel.

-x-

He’d been putting off his orders for hours. _Go to the Winchesters, release Sam, distract Dean._ He knew he’d have to do it sooner or later but every time he was nearly ready to face them and lie to them, Dean’s pleading prayers would echo in his head and he’d be knocked back down again. Eventually he ran out of resolve and for better or for worse, resigned himself to Heaven’s orders. It would all be over soon.

Dean turned around at the sound of his wings and for a second, he wasn't sure he could do it.

“Well, it's about time. I've been screaming myself hoarse out here for about two and a half hours now,” Dean said, his rough voice backing him up.

“What do you want?” He took a few steps forward, trying to detach himself as much as he could.

“You can start with what the hell happened in Illinois.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, still walking, not able to focus on anything and unable to look at Dean.

“Cut the crap. You were gonna tell me something.”

“Nothing of import,” he said, brushing it off but Dean didn’t buy it.

“You got ass-reamed in heaven but it was not of import?”

“Dean, I can't. I'm sorry,” he said, allowing himself a small moment of indulgence before detaching himself again, walking away, turning his back on Dean. It was the only way he’d be able to get through this. “Get to the reason you really called me. It's about Sam, right?”

“Can he do it? Kill Lilith, stop the apocalypse?” Dean asked.

“Possibly, yes,” he turned to face Dean again, as if saying the words to his face would make them less harmful. “But as you know, he'd have to take certain steps.”

“Crank up the hell-blood regimen.”

“Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill.” He could see the words shattering Dean, even though he suspected, deep down, he had known all along. He closed the distance between them, hating what he was doing to him. “There's no reason this would have to come to pass, Dean. We believe it's you, Dean, not your brother. The only question for us is whether you're willing to accept it. Stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it.”

“If I do this, Sammy doesn't have to?” Dean asked, looking him up and down. Anything Castiel said, he would trust.

“If it gives you comfort to see it that way,” Castiel said, hoping that was the case.

“God, you're a dick these days,” Dean sighed, walking away from him. Castiel let him, giving him whatever space he needed. “Fine, I'm in.”

He’d given in quicker than Cas thought he would. He wasn’t even sure if he was relieved or not. “You give yourself over wholly to the service of God and his Angels?” The words flowed out easier than they had been burned in.

“Yeah, exactly,” Dean said but that wasn’t enough for Heaven.

“Say it,” he commanded.

Dean turned and glared at him but when Castiel didn’t relent, he gave in, walking back over to him and repeating the words. “I give myself over wholly to serve God and _you guys_.”

“You swear to follow his will and his word as swiftly and obediently as you did your own father's?” Castiel said and watched the hurt flare up in Dean’s eyes, he’d pushed him too far but he needed him to be bound by his promises and this was the easiest was Cas knew how.

“Yes, I swear,” he said and Castiel nodded. “Now what?”

“Now you wait, and we call on you when it's time,” Castiel said, holding Dean’s eyes, knowing that until that moment came, this would be the last time he saw him.

-x-

Castiel waited a few hours until he was sure everyone was asleep. Even Sam. He woke him, clearing his mind of hallucinations and taking away as many of the side effects as he was able. Then he snapped open the handcuffs that were keeping him pinned to the bed. With each one he could hear Anna’s voice in his head screaming _no_ but he knew it wasn’t really her, it was a manifestation of his conscience and the guilt it was drowning in. He pulled open the heavy door to the sound of _what are you doing, Cas?_ and stepped back, hiding himself in the shadows as Sam escaped.

-x-

Anna words, or rather his own words, were still echoing in his head as he stared out over a river. He supported himself on the rails, unable to hold both himself and his vessel together.

 _What have you done?_ His own voice foreshadowed Anna’s inevitable lecture, he could feel her coming, furious and confused. Her wings signalled her arrival and he turned reluctantly.

“What did you do?” she demanded, anger rolling off her so brightly he could almost see it.

“You shouldn't have come, Anna,” Castiel said, giving her a chance to walk away.

“Why would you let out Sam Winchester?” she said, ignoring him.

“Those were my orders.”

“Orders?” She said the word like it was poisonous. Maybe it was. “Cas, you saw him. He's drinking demon blood. It's so much worse than we thought. Dean was trying to stop him.”

“You really shouldn't have come,” he sighed, but this time it was too late to be a warning.

The two Angels that had been assigned to watch him, to make sure he did as he was told, grasped her by the arms and returned her to Heaven the hard way. He forced himself to watch as light threatened to blind him. When she was gone, he turned back to the water, her words still lingering.

-x-

They made her watch as they pointlessly kept Dean chasing his tail in the holding cell, as Sam killed a demon and consumed every drop of blood she could give, as brother turned against brother and Castiel watched it all.

Then when Anna had just about given up, Castiel finally did the right thing. Her guards sprung up and went off to stop him, completely forgetting her. She should have escaped, she knew she should, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Castiel and the bright new way he was shining, in a way only she, Angel of Grace, could see. He was free.

When the she saw the Archangels rain down on him, destroying him in the blink of an eye, she finally ran.

-x-

Anna kept her head down, she stayed on Earth just in case but between everything that had happened with the apocalypse and the fact that only three Angels had known she had been taken in the first place, nobody was even looking for her. She was rid of it all for a short while.

But somehow, Castiel was returned, restored. He wasn’t quite as much of a loyal soldier as he had been but he wasn’t entirely free either. The world was still ending, she could still trace every though he had back to what was happening in the world but he was getting better at keeping her out of his mind. It was months before she found out why Heaven still had such a vested interest in Sam and Dean. They were the vessels. They would end the world.

For a while she did nothing but her emotions won out. She couldn’t let Castiel do this again. She couldn’t let him stand by and watch the world end because of two humans. She would stop them because he couldn’t.

-x-

When Anna entered Dean’s dream, she wasn’t at all surprised. The Angel and Devil strippers were a blatant cry for help from what was _really_ going on, even if he was happy enough to just see them as strippers. They disappeared the instant he noticed her.

“Anna?” Dean asked, blinking to see if she’d disappear as well. “I was just, uh, working on a case.”

“This is what you dream about,” she said, unable to stop a smile breaking out. Some things never change.

“This is awkward,” Dean said as she stepped off the stage and sat beside him. “Why are you gate-crashing my head? Why don't you just swing by the motel?”

“I can't find you,” Anna admitted.

“Oh. Cas did this thing,” Dean put his hands on his ribs, remembering the Enochian that was still carved there but Anna wasn’t listening.

“Cas. Right,” she looked away. “Now, there's a friend you can count on.”

“What?” Dean asked, confused.

“He didn't tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Where I've been,” Anna started before realising if she were in Cas’ position, she would have kept it to herself too. “Of course not. Why would he?”

“Where have you been?”

Anna chose her words carefully, she wasn’t bound by Heaven, she could lie. It was for a greater good she told herself. “Prison. Upstairs. All the torture, twice the self-righteousness.”

“Why wouldn't he have told us where you were?” he asked, still confused.

“Because he's the one who turned me in.” Dean looked at her like she’d grown another head. “Don't look so shocked. He was always a good little soldier. Did anything under orders.”

“I didn't know. Are you okay?”

“No. And I don't have long. I broke out. Barely. They're looking for me. If they find me...” she trailed off, leaving it to Dean’s imagination.

“Okay. What do you need?”

“Meet me. 225 Industrial. And, please, just...” she sent him back to the waking world. “Hurry.”

-x-

“Are you sure it was her?” Castiel asked Dean, thankful that he had called him first rather than going straight to Anna.

“I’m sure. She said she needed our help.”

“ _Our_ help?” Castiel asked, severely doubting she’d asked for him.

“Ok, my help. I should go to her.”

“I’ll go,” Castiel said, turning and facing the other direction, wondering how much Anna had said. He could feel Dean’s trust in him waver.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

Dean sighed, giving in. “She said you were the one that handed her over. That true, Cas?”

“Yes,” Castiel admitted. “But I handed you over as well; it wasn’t exactly my best moment. Things have changed now.”

“I still don’t think you’re the best person to go.”

“If Heaven let her go, it was to harm you,” Castiel took the address out of his hand, ending the matter. “I will go.”

-x-

As soon as Anna stepped into the warehouse, she could tell she wasn’t the only Angel there.

“Hello? Who's there?” she called out and the lights smashed above her.

“Hello, Anna,” Castiel’s voice came from behind her.

“Well. If I didn't know any better...” She turned to face him. “I'd say the Winchesters don't trust me.”

“They do. I don't.” He stepped away from her, moving round her. “I wouldn't let them come.”

“And why is that?” Anna asked.

“If you're out of prison, it's because they let you out.” He looked around, as if checking she was alone. “And they sent you here to do their dirty work.”

“And what makes you so sure?” she asked, even thought she knew none of it was true. He didn’t seem to know that though, he thought they’d kept her for all this time and he’d let them.

“Because I've experienced...” he finally stopped and looked at her, “Heaven's persuasion.”

“You mean when you gave me to them,” she said, anger rising up.

“That was a mistake,” he said, apologetically but she kept on glaring at him, even if it was a mistake, he’d never tried to fix it, obviously. “Anna, whatever they sent you here to do...”

She interrupted him, sick of the charade. “They didn't send me. I escaped.”

“No one escapes.”

She smiled, after all, it was because of him that she’d been given the chance but he didn’t know that. “All these centuries, and you're underestimating me now?”

“If you're not one of them, then what do you want?” Castiel asked warily.

“I want to help,” Anna answered truthfully. Admittedly it was the world she wanted to help, not them.

“You want to help?”

“Yes.”

“Then what are doing with that knife?”

She stared at him for a second and then drew the knife, there was no sense pretending she didn’t have it now. “I'm not allowed to defend myself?”

“Against whom? That blade doesn't work against Angels, it's not like this one,” Castiel drew his own blade. “Maybe you're not working for Heaven. But there's something you're not telling me.”

She stared at him, refusing to drop her gaze but he wouldn’t lower his either. “Sam Winchester has to die. I'm sorry but we have no choice. He's Lucifer's vessel.”

“He's not the only one,” Castiel said quickly, trying to take the focus off Sam.

“What, that guy Nick? He's burning away as we speak,” Anna said, disregarding him. “No, Sam is the only vessel that matters. You know what that means? If Lucifer can't take Sam, his whole plan short-circuits. No fight with Michael, no Croatoan virus. The Horsemen go back to their day jobs.”

“Even if you could...” Castiel paused, not believing he was going to say it. “Kill Sam, Satan would just bring him back to life.”

“Not after I scatter his cells across the universe.” Castiel turned away but she knew he was still listening. “They'll never find him. Not all of him.”

“We'll find another way,” he said but she could feel his resolve weakening.

“How's that going? How's the Colt working out? Or the search for God? Is anything working? If you want to stop the devil, this is how.” She thought, for a second, she had him.

“The answer's still no,” Castiel paused. “Because Sam is my friend.”

“You've changed,” Anna observed but it wasn’t in a good way, it wasn’t in the way that she had wanted. Now instead of being Heaven’s puppet, he was the Winchester’s. It was worse.

“Maybe too late, but I have,” Castiel turned back to face her. “Anna, we've been through much together, but you come near Sam Winchester and I'll kill you.”

Anna glared at him in contempt but left without a sound.

-x-

She left the building but stayed close, she wanted to see if he’d go straight back to them but he didn’t. Instead he pulled out a cell phone and warned them of the danger. Anna swore, she couldn’t find them on her own and she couldn’t bring them to her. The idea of how much easier her life would be if the Winchesters never existed rose to the surface, it was quite a common thought but this time, it stuck.

-x-

“Really? Anna? I don't believe it,” Dean said, approaching Castiel as he drew a sigil on the table in chalk.

“It’s true,” Castiel said, without looking up.

“So she's gone all Glenn Close, huh? That's awesome,” he said, sarcastically and Cas finally looked up.

“Who's Glenn Close?” he asked.

“No one, just this psycho bitch who likes to boil rabbits,” Dean started pacing again.

“So the plan to kill me, would it actually stop Satan?” Sam asked, earning himself a look from Dean.

“No, Sam, come on.”

“Cas, what do you think? Does Anna have a point?”

Cas glanced at Dean, Anna was right and they all knew it but Dean wanted him to lie. “No. She's, uh, Glenn Close.”

“I don't get it. We're looking for the chick that wants to gank Sam. Why poke the bear?” Dean said, changing the subject.

“Anna will keep trying. She won't give up until Sam is dead. So we kill her first,” Castiel stood over the completed spell and chanted in Enochian, trying to see through Anna’s eyes. The flame exploded red and he was thrown into her consciousness. “I found her.”

“Where is she?” Dean asked, eager to go.

“Not where. When,” Castiel straightened up, his mind clearing. “It's nineteen seventy-eight.”

“What? Why nineteen seventy-eight? I wasn't even born yet,” Sam pointed out and he stood and joined them.

Castiel thought about it, trying to think how Anna would. “You won't be if she kills your parents.”

“What?” Sam asked.

“Anna can't get to you because of me,” Castiel admitted. “So she's going after them.”

“Take us back right now,” Dean demanded.

“And deliver you right to Anna?” Castiel shook his head. “I should go alone.”

“They're our parents. Cas, we're going,” Dean demanded again.

“It's not that easy,” Castiel said, turning away from them.

“Why not?” Sam asked.

“Time travel was difficult even with the powers of heaven at my disposal.”

“Which got cut off,” Sam pointed out.

“So what, you're like a Delorean without enough plutonium?” Dean asked.

“I don't understand that reference. But I'm telling you, taking this trip, with passengers no less,” Castiel shook his head. “It'll weaken me.”

“They're our mom and dad. If we can save them, and not just from Anna. I mean if we can set things right. We have to try,” Dean pleaded, forcing Cas to meet his eyes.

Castiel shook his head again but gave in.

-x-

The room was dark when Castiel woke up. He had a vague memory of Sam and Dean dragging him upstairs and talking about him as if he wasn’t really there. Maybe he hadn’t been. He wasn’t entirely sure.

He tried to sit up but the room span and forced him back down. His mind flashed through images and desperation clawed at him, Dean and Sam were both praying for him, even if they didn’t realise it. They were losing against Anna and badly. It took Castiel a few seconds to recognize the secondary Angel in the visions, seeing it through human eyes limited what he should have realised instantly, Anna had somehow pulled Uriel into this. He tried not to feel angry, Uriel had committed no crimes yet, from his perspective Anna hadn’t even fallen yet, he was just following orders.

Castiel watched, powerless as he was shown all this. He tried to stand again and failed. In this time Anna outranked him, there was scare an Angel he could call that could see through time and would believe him. The ones that could wouldn’t help him even if he asked.

Except Michael, Castiel considered. It was dangerous, at best. If he wasn’t arrested on the spot for his part in Dean’s rebellion, not to mention his own, then he was giving Michael a way in with Dean.

But if he didn’t sooner or later Anna would win and there would be no Dean.

Castiel closed his eyes and whispered the name, almost hating himself for it. Each mirror smashed, each lightbulb burst and the windows cracked. Electricity sparked throughout the room and Castiel found the strength somewhere to sit up and stay up.

“Michael, please. Ananchel is threatening your vessel, your _true_ vessel. I beg of you, stop her.” Castiel shouted at the ceiling, not sure where to look as Michael didn’t have a vessel, he was just a presence. Then he was gone and Castiel collapsed back onto the bed, alone again in the dark room.

For a few minutes and then noise erupted tin his head.

“Anna,” Michael’s voice said.

“Michael?” Anna’s voice replied and then it turned into a scream, thin and agonizing.

Everything was consumed in fire, Sam, Dean, Their Mother, Michael, Anna and himself. It burned through his mind, screaming along with her until everything disappeared and he was being caught by Sam.

“We got you,” Sam said.

“You son of a bitch. You made it,” Dean’s voice came from somewhere and for a moment he was confused.

“I...I did? I'm very surprised,” He said aloud before the world disappeared again, this time leaving him behind.

-x-

Crowds began forming before Castiel even looked up. He had other things to worry about, things he needed to think about without a rabble going on. It didn’t even cross his mind to ask what the rush was about and _why here?_ , he just glared up at it.

He was sat under Anna’s tree. It wasn’t really her tree but everyone always referred to it as hers, she’d been sitting under it for so long. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about her because every time he did, his stomach would twist. He had wanted to plan out what he was going to say to her but nothing seemed right, so he left it and tried not to think about it. That’s what Anna would do.

He’d been in one of the other gardens when the realisation suddenly struck him. He was curing her because she was right. He was angry because there was nothing he could do about it. He had denied it because he was scared. All of those feelings. Feelings that they weren’t meant to have. Every time he’d been confronted with them, he’d denied them and disappointed her out of fear. Now he couldn’t even remember why he should be so scared. Angels were meant to be creatures of great love. She’d told him that the first time they met. She’d known back then.

So he resolved to wait for her, under her tree because she always came back there sooner or later. He’d resolved not to be scared and not to fall into denial. He was going to tell the truth and let himself feel and fall if that’s what love would demand of him. He’d do it all for her.

He felt a hand on his shoulder jerk him up suddenly and pull him into the crowd.

“You need to hear this,” Uriel told him, still dragging him along.

“I can’t. I’m busy. You can tell me about it later,” Castiel removed Uriel’s hand and nearly turned. A voice started talking over everyone, a universal revelation. That silenced Castiel instantly; those didn’t come about that often.

“An Angel has fallen,” the voice announced. “She has been charge with disobedience and desertion. There is a reward for any information that leads to her arrest,” there was a pause and then the voice continued. “A moment’s reflection and grief for the loss of Ananchel; Angel of Grace.”

Each Angel fell silent while Castiel took a deep, shuddering breath. He looked around at her garrison, each one had their head bowed in reverence but none of them would meet his eye, confirming what he was already thinking.

_This was his fault._

_Anna was gone._

_And it was because of him._

Castiel closed his eyes and hardened his heart, a new resolution forming. If this was where feelings got you, alone and fallen or broken and left behind, he never wanted to feel again.

-x-

When Castiel woke up, he felt just as broken as he had in his dream, his memory. He tried to close himself off again but these days it wasn’t as easy.

“Hey, thought you were gonna sleep until Judgement Day,” Dean said and Castiel looked at him until he finally came into focus.

“Don’t joke, I could well have if I’d slept much longer. Did Michael...?” Castiel trailed off, not even wanting to say it.

“I told him I would never say yes. He didn’t seem to believe me,” Dean sighed and Castiel wished there was something he could say to comfort him.

“He killed Anna,” Dean said after a pause. “I thought you should know.”

“I know, I asked him to,” Castiel looked away, ashamed.

“Really? But you and her go way back,” Dean said, confused.

“She was trying to kill you and Sam, I couldn’t let her.”

“Well, thank you,” Dean said not knowing what else to say. “That couldn’t have been easy.”

“It was,” Castiel realised. “She’d changed. She was never the Anna I knew. She’d become bitter and I think I did that to her.”

“She fell, Cas, she was never Angel material, she said so. It wasn’t your fault.”

“No, she really wasn’t. I don’t think I am either, not anymore,” Castiel admitted. “But it doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”

“And thank God it is...or you know, _whoever_ ,” Dean rolled his eyes and Castiel couldn’t help but smile a little. “I’ve declared us Team Free Will. You, me and Sam against this whole Angel and Devil B.S. Fuck what they say, right?”

Castiel closed his eyes, everything Anna had wanted, right there in a few words. It was so simple; he couldn’t believe no-one had thought of it sooner.

“Fuck what they say,” Castiel agreed, the curse feeling foreign on his tongue but it was apt. He was done with what Heaven said, what they asked of him and what they denied him. He had something else now, something better. He had everything. And he had Anna to thank for that.


End file.
